I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that
far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

damn..it's so true..sigh..can't get u out of my head..

people..i'm back to the picture..ah!..exams are over..and yes,i can smell freedom..hahha...

BUT..

exams were bad..i'm afraid that i'll fail engineering maths and physics..and yes,,...surprisingly moral studies!!..dad has been hinting that he's very disappointed..bla..bla..but..it's not my fault wert..i did study..but the questions were just so bloody hard...

damn..self deception..hahha..

anyway,..i'm pretty upset..mum's in the hospital..and i purposely rush back from tronoh just to see her..luckily my paper was in the morning..seeing her on the hospital bed..made me realise that she's getting old..few months back..it was my dad who was on the hospital bed..and now,it's my mother's turn..scary isn't it..i'm scared to wait for the day they are going to leave me and my brother..they are getting old....sob...

on an unrelated note..puiyeen...happy beearlied birthday..can't wish u tomorrow..coz won't be free..so ..happy sweet 18 k??(at long last)..hahha..

people,..i'm back..so..must ajak ajak sikit..don't care ajak-ajak ayam or what la..but still..at least got ajak-ajak..ok?..

-life's miserable when u need someone to lean on..but u just can't fine that someone..

these few nights,i've been thinking about MP again..sigh..i really miss MP i guess...but what to do..there's b...used to be my b la..but..going to leave me soon..aih..what am i crapping..

mum's confirmed with dengue fever..need to do blood transfusion..i wanted to donate blood for her..but the lab fella couldn't find my vein..too small she said..

aaarrgghh!!....

*mum,i love you..

10 of December 2005

You will be back tonight

I hope you wouldn't send me a sms coz i really don't want to know when you are back.

i know i'm going to lose my senses all over again..

coz i can't help myself to forget about you

the memories are too many to be wiped off

everytime i pass by your house,can't help but to stare at it..

our images of hanging around your place constantly replaying in my head

no matter how busy i keep myself..

you tend to pop in my head..

i guess i love you too much to actually erase you permanently

i cried silently to sleep yesterday..

not because of MP..

because of my mum..

yesterday,before i leave the hospital..she said something to me..:

' you've been very good..you came down purposely to see mummy..but mummy is worried about you..take care of your brother..don't always argue with him coz daddy will be very worried..your daddy has heart problems..don't give him too many problems..you are old enough,you should know what is right and wrong..do well in your studies k..don't always enjoy yourself..'

and she smiled..holding my hand...can't help but tears were rolling..

i told her that dengue fever is no big deal..can recover one..a lot of people did..

she just smiled..

sigh..she had blood transfusion..12 pints yesterday...12 pints of concentrated platlet..her platlet level is very low..only 13...her fever is on and off..i am worried..for her...

my dad has a way of scaring his little daughter..

i was walking out from my room..wanted to get ready to go to the hospital when he suddenly call out for me..he patted onto the seat beside me,signalling me to sit next to him..as usual,being cranky in the mornings..i ignored him and walked straight to the bathroom..he raised his voice a little this time and i was surprised..i turned back and gave him a startled look..with hessitation,i walked towards him..and sat beside him..our conversation was like this :-

me: wat's wrong,pa?

dad:..(silent,with a stern look)

medidn't dare to say a word.i kept thinking what i could have done wrong)

dad: the letter came in today..from UTP..

me: huh?letter?huh?what letter?

for a second..i was blur but then i was un-blurred the next second..(i was thinking 'oh shit'!letter means my results are out!how can UTP staff be so efficient..?!!can't they give me peace 1st for at least a month? and finals just ended a week ago..my god!deep down i was cursing UTP and also at myself for not waking up earlier than the postman)

me: erm..pa..i tried my best already..(trying to hide the fact that i actually didn't really do my best..in fact i was too busy watching desperate housewives,the oc in fact i finished the whole season..and also i watched alot of tvb dramas and also during the exam period.i was watching a korean drama,'sorry i love you'-thanks to shiou ting!)

dad: u sure u did?

me:...err..i did la..next sem i try harder la ok?..oh wait..do i have to retake this sem or not?my god..it'll be humilating..

dad: u know,jan..u are unlike the other students..they are all under scholarships but u are a private student..u have to work extra hard..and don't think i don't know u often spend your nights in the mamak stalls..

me: erm..sorry pa..stress mar..(on the verge of crying ge la)..

dad:next sem,try better..ok?

me: does this means i get to proceed to next sem?

dad: that one i don't know la..have to wait for the letter to come..

me: huh?i thought the letter came d?

dad: now go and brush your teeth and wash your face..

me: can i see the letter or not?

dad: i'll show it to you next time when it REALLY comes..(and he smiled!)

i turned around..scowling..my god..how could i forget that today was a sunday!!..the mail doesn't come on a sunday..ish..

Why did i go to the 'myspace'??

why?..??

and i've to look at the blog...

and the photo albums....

WHY?..

why am i being stupid??

i really hate myself..for being feeble inside..

why can't i resist the temptation...??!!

why do i have to click the button??..

and then see their picture being together..

why do i have to see closely..again and again???

why do i have to reread each word...in the blog..?

why??!!!

why am i being such an idiot and a fool??

why do u even exist to make me look like an idiot and a fool???!!!

i still remember one night,..when i was burried with books..i asked punchee a question..

' Have You been an idiot,holding onto something which isn't even there.Treating someone perfectly well even if you know he/she isn't going to reciprocate your love?'

punchee took a deep breath and answered with a very serious tone and look :

" No one is an idiot,angkhian.Yeah,u might have been an idiot once..but once u realised,u have to wake up and start moving on..You are a bigger idiot if u continue staying at that position of being an idiot..i was an idiot once but i tried to move on..and doing quite well..angkhian,u've gotta wake up..u were like this a few months back..and u wan to be like this in the next 5 years?"

pinky,as usual..was smiling at a side..dang!

there was also once..when i wrote a note to punchee and stuck onto her radio..:

" punchee,how are you doing?God is unfair..since i came here,i've experienced two times of heart shattering..where did i go wrong..and now my maths..going to fail d..how??sob..?"

with she replied :

" angkhian,i BELIEVE God is fair, so probably he got something else better for you! So don't be so sad on the matter la! I have a lot of faith in u, u won't fail your maths la!But as for your 'sat luen' case, I really think You deserve better lo!Dun be so sad,k? =)

i read someone's journal today..

i purposely rush to the nearest computer to read the journal..

it struck me hard...

i have a lot of things to tell you :-

1. my entry about kelly clarkson's song 'because of you' was dedicated to you.

2. you are the love of my life,ever since i've dropped the topic about MP..

3. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE SOCIETY..all i care about is about u and me..coz in this world,u are the world to me...

4. i don't want you to leave me now when you've been there for me for such a long time..it's not fair...to you and me..

5. i wish to talk to you right now..and slap u hard..for lying to me for such a long time..who am i to you till u lied to me??don't i mean anything to you..

i really love you..

if you love someone very much,i always believe in being together..

why complicate matters when the solution to the problem is just to be together?

i announced to the whole world..and yet,it's not enough for you?

why make this so hard when it's just as simple..

please have faith in me..

it's alright to be left once..

twice..

when will be the third time..i wonder..

i find myself controlling at times..when i tend to get overprotective over something..maybe i'm afraid of losing things..i love everything which come my way..hate to lose something to someone..over possessive,you may call it..

mum;s finally discharged and came home safely today..

but..once she stepped into the house..how i wished she never came back at all..aih..u know..mums..with their irritating tones..came back,straightaway..she commented about the cleanliness and tidiness of the house..,my room especially..

"why is the house so dirty one?(sigh loudly)"

"jan,your room is very messy and dirty.!!came back for so long but how come the things are still in the bags?"

"shouted so bloody loud"

i was muttering softly..saying that why suddenly so healthy one..?..in the hospital like dying already.,but why suddenly so teruk..??the doctor gave wrong medicine or what..haiyor..

can't stand her la..man!..

want to go back to UTP la..

when asked how i'm feeling right now..

i feel alright..i want to have tears gather in my eyes..everytime i recall how foolish i was..i want to have YOU to slap me hard across the face..everytime i shiver in fear..i want YOU to tell me that you'll be back for me..everytime i sleep alone in the dark..

i don't know why but my mind is full of you..u've left but your image is stuck in my head...

i realised i was a fool..and i'm still one..

waiting for you to come back..waiting silently..till the day u come back,i shall be waiting..

was blog hopping today..nothing much to do..read people's perspective in life..hmm..i never know how much they think these days..

since i came home..i've become nothing but sad all the time..and this feeling is dreadful..and come to think of it..when i hang out with my friends,they have come to notice that i've became a quiet person..who no longer talks alot..like i used to...erm..can i say..i'm solemn then?..hahha..i wonder why..

life's not so fun without your own car..i can't go anyway i want..just have to stay at home..wait till some kind friend calls u and is willing to drive you out..hahha..like kong..and michelle koo..(she was relunctant though)..we went out to pasar malam on thursday night..together with us were yoke mun and fanny..so 5 of us went to pasar malam..and they were all busy walking around..when they found out that i didn't take my dinner yet..so they all also bising bising la..asked me to buy food la..but seriously..i was not tempted at all at the sight of the food they sell in pasar malam so i said i shall wait till my appetite comes lor..so..we walked and walked..for a few rounds at the same place..haha..in the end,we came to a solution which is to buy food and go to kong's place and eat there then..so we bought lar..alot of stuffs..like 'tai gao min',hotdog,kuihs..,and stinky taufu..hahha..we ended up at kong's place till 11 something..i was rather quiet that night..dunno why..maybe i lose my mood or something..or maybe it was that time of the month..haha..

maybe one day when i'm free..i should sit down and write about my perspective in life..i want my depressing entries to come to an end..which is supposed to be NOW..

sigh..

hmm..what should i write leh..

i've come to notice that many of them have already stop blogging..why ah?coz i still remember that in the past when i never update my blog page..people would be pounding on my tagboard,asking me to do so..hm..but why have all of you let go in blogging?..then whose blog am i supposed to read then?hmm..why ah?

i just realised someone is back in malaysia but has never bothered to call or do something to notify me..or maybe have i grown insignificant to you anymore..?anyhow..it's fine with me..a friend who has shun you away is not a friend to you anymore..peace to these people..sigh..

my god..that pain in my stomach..can't it go away..?..sob..tears in my eyes..what an unpleasant surprise..is it because the pain in my stomach..or the pain in my heart..?

since i'm bored,i shall write more during this period of boredom..i was talking to goh that night and she told me to stop having all the depressing entries..hmm...makes me wonder..whether my entries are really that depressing?..or maybe it's just me who's depressed..hahha..i guess i have to stop all these depression..people around me seem to be getting fed up with my depression..

ANGKHIAN..wake up!!the sun has risen and you should be doing so too!!!

that's what i'm always telling myself everyday,staring at the mirror..

but when the sun sets...

ANGKHIAN..THE SUN'S gone..your hopes are gone too..

back to the solemn mood..bah!..

i'm having alot of migraines lately..reminds me of maylee..she used to have this alot of times..due to insomnia..right?..i'm not sure..last time i don't really understand the pain she's going through,but now i certainly do!..the pain is UNBEARABLE..but why am i having it????i have sufficient sleep.,no doubt about this since it's holidays now..urm..but why??i'm taking 4 pills of panadol each day..and it's not helping..guess it's time to switch to Bostan..the pain is killing me..!!Aarrggghhh...

but yet,i'm still online..blogging as usual..nothing to do mar..going to spend christmas this year in singapore..no white christmas it seems..so..never mind la..guess i'll just have to deal with it..

=) (forcing myself to smile..)

should i say i miss UTP now..?

coz at this hour,..me,carina,and sharon would be planning whether to go for mamak or not..and then,it'll take us around 15 minutes to persuade punchee to go..and then have to call kenneth and tzeyang..hahha..it's a bluemoon when pinky decideds to follow us..mum in 80s mar..have to sleep early..so..i actually miss the MAMAKGANG..always going to JE..or the tronoh mamak stall..i miss u guys!!coz when i come back to ipoh..no kaki to go mamak..

we people very siao ah...12 something..1 something..only start to walk to mamak..i guess the guards on duty also recognise us d..the bunch which talk dirty stuffs from the hostel to the mamak and from the mamak to the hostel..hahha..we are such a wacky group..minus the part when i argued with tzeyang la..hahha..

sharon,i know u won't be reading this..but i miss u la!!can talk about everything..haha..and carina..can't stop making my life miserable..

even during the exam period..when we have already lost hope,mamak is the place we go..haha..but next sem,don't have to bring torch light already..coz we are moving to V1..furthur but at least there are street lights..!but V1's building sucks lar!!...like prison cell only..aiya..don't know how long must stay there also..but nearer to the sports complex..and near to the usm cafe and lecture halls..but bloody far from the chancellor building..sigh..guess...our leg muscles are gonna be build up easily lor..next sem..muahahah...looking at the bright side though..nearer to v3 and v4 and v5..sigh..

i really wished carina's plans for utp is going to work..build a second klcc in our university..the shopping complex part la..where all students can go shopping,watch movies and bowl there..good wert..the money petronas give the scholars can be returned back to them in some other way mar..and students don't have to be locked up in their rooms only mar..must provide some entertainment ge mar..haiyor..later all students become brilliant students but deprived in entertainment..not good lar then..right????so..next sem..must ask carina suggest to the students' representative council..if they don't do it,next sem,we don't want them anymore..hahah..

i still remember that we have a voting process la..something like pilihan raya lar..but in a university way..where they hang posters of the candidates..and there are ways to attract voters..so there's one day when the students can vote in an actual voting process lor..at that time,we juniors have no idea who the seniors are mar..so..we see who lengchai..we just cross at their names only..haaha..so stupid lar..

can't wait to go back to utp now..actually can spend time in JE now..chit chatting..and can watch HBO,starmovies..and AXN hor...hahha..

the movie..'blue streak'?remember or not guys???funny like hell..haaha..

*love you guys!!*

it's early in the morning..was awaken by my phone ringing tone..and the pining pain on my head or is it inside my head?..sometimes i wonder whether there's a tumour inside coz i can feel it pounding on my head already..

on an UNRELATED NOTE..hahha..i was just browsing through my photo albums and there a few pictures taken when me and my uni friends went for a camp in pangkor..nice hotel,nice beach,nice food and nice people..

this was at the jetty..waiting for the ferry to come and pick us up..   

clockwise:huiching,punchee,pinky,shiouting,ME and some tak kenal malay fella..

this pic ^ was taken at the beach..the beach was superb..so clean and pollution-free..i took videos of the waves and scenery..but don't know whether can upload here or not..maybe upload in multiply lar..see lar..

from left to right: sheateng,MUA,punchee and huiching..(pinky behind the camera)..

hmm..maybe i should take more pictures with them next year..these memories can't be erased..even when i grow old..next year,i'll be 19..then the following year,i'll be 20..wahlao..getting older each year..haha..but mentality..,already reached 25..not bad arr!!...despite being in depression,i can be very rational..in thinking and decision-making..akhem!!..angkat-ing my own bakul but don't care la.this is my blog wert..hahaha...(i think sure got a lot of commenting after this ge lar..)hahha...

*sigh!u people ah..go back to blogging lar..i also starting to get lazy to update d..

can't wait for yeetin to come back from kl..long time didn't see her..so,must go yumcha with her..sei lor..have to buck up in my english lor..she just came back from australia..sure will have a hard time catching up to her..hahha..english damn teruk..sigh..

(*shaking-my-head*) tsk..tsk..

guess where i went for lunch today?..

bet u can't..

coz..

i went to INDULGENCE..well..no biggie..for those who are not from Ipoh..coz Indulgence is a cafe which is very classy..and also serves very classy food..with of course, a very classy price..man..thank goodness i was with my walking atm machine..hahaha..a.k.a MY MUM!..

so we had.. bolognase spegghetti,mussel and clam pasta,mum had a glass of orange juice,i had a glass of coke and we both shared a brownie..guess how long was our bill..?..

erm..it was a short bill..with a very long figure..rm70.40..some of u must be thinking that it's a very cheap price..but not for my mum..she was saying that next time mother's day,we all must bring her there..coz she can only afford it once..hahah..mum's such a cheap skate..which i replied,..'hahaha..u so old d..don't eat so much good food la..eat porridge'

guess the firing i kena balik..

adoi!

guess i shouldn't be saying this out loud..

but i think i should..

but then i'm torn apart..

coz it's not a good news..

and it's something really really horrible..

aww...man..

'i'm officially broke'

there..i've announced it..so..i guess i won't be going out that often..those who wants to catch a glimpse of me..,can foot for my bill also lar..ok??don't so kedekut..lar..u ppl have learned moral,so it's time to make use of all the nilai-s..

looking at my mui-mui's blog..makes me think of someone too..

can't help myself but my mind is swarmed with the images of the certain person..

but yet,i'm not as brave as ruffleseed..,i can't bring myself to see that person...why i ask myself?..why...many had came to me,asking me to give up..but why am i still so rock-headed...?many times i've said to myself to let go..but why is my heart still so relunctant to let go?..though each morning,i wake up telling myself that it was all a dream..and soon i'll be seeing that person at my doorstep..waiting for me..

how i long for your hugs..your embraces..

the memories are too many to be erased..

too painful to forget...

but yet my head's telling me to forget about you..coz u are not worth my tears..my blood..my sweat..

but i can't...

many are lining up now,..to slap me back to reality..goh's probably the 1st person to do so..

*thanks people,but i can't do it..i'm feeble inside..with nowhere to go,nowhere to run,nowhere to hide..life goes on for me.i know..but yet i can't take another step anymore..i dare not step out from my room,..fearing to see people now..how i'm scared being hurt once again..

i can feel something dripping onto my keyboard...

it's red...

aahh...not the 1st time..don't have to care about it..who cares.by the way..no one cares..

i'm getting sick of myself.

took me a bunch of courage to sms her..

' MAN U WON 2-0'

she replied..' yeah..i know..i watched the last 10 minutes'

which i replied ' good game though' and guess what..

she didn't reply anymore.

i asked pinky what my bad points are..

wah liao..took her 1 minute..to list down..so now..it's your turn..

list them down..

thank you..

talked to crystal yesterday..till very late yesterday night..we talked about a lot of stuffs..most of it are about my past with MP..

too many till i think it'll take 2 whole pages of this blog page to actually state part of the memories..too many to be wiped off from my memory...

sigh...

HAPPY SWEET 18!

LIM YILING (at last...)

hahha...at last lim yiling...heheh..may all your wishes come true..and one of them is me getting 3.5 in my gpa..hahha..enjoy your day!

GUESS WAT..i just received a letter..

SAMAN

Kepada : Defenden

          Kamu adalah dengan ini disaman supaya hadir sama ada secara sendiri ataupun melalui sendiri ataupun melalui seorang Peguambela kamu di hadapan Mahkamah MAJISTERET  di Ipoh pada.........2005,pukul.....pagi untuk menjawab suatu tuntutan terhadap anda oleh Plaintif yang dinamakan di atas:-

wtf..means i've to attend court..apparently..the tragedy that happened on the 5th of May 2005 is back to haunt me..it took me so much trouble to actually claim a lump sum of money to fix my car and i thought the story ended there..and now,i'm being sued on court..for something which is not entirely my fault at all..

i'm being sued by the motorcyclist that i knocked when i was being knocked by the STUPID F**KING BLACK PERDANA..it was an accident that couldn't be avoid..and now,the motorcyclist wants to sue me..?come on..those who have studied basic physics would have known that my car swerved when it knocked the motorcycle who was located beside me at that time..

wtf..

and now..where to find a lawyer?

ah..no appetite..

have not been taking in food these days..o..at least not breakfast and lunch..don't know why..i have no appetite to eat these days since i came home..

friends from UTP,you should know that my appetite is twice greater than guys..can eat a lot alot..haha..imagine after dinner (nasi pataya and tomyam) ,can eat 1 roti planta and one teh tarik straightaway..geng ar not..but back in Ipoh,i've no appetite to eat anymore..i wonder why...

the sight of food turns me off..VERY MUCH...

parents are getting worried these days..they said one day,my gastric will worsen and this will affect my health wor..but inside my mind.." want to die so easy meh.."..

hahha..sigh..

haha..finally..my ears are P-I-E-R-C-E-D..

YES..shocking isn't it..??haha..but this angkhian.is changing over a new look..hahha..dresses next sem maybe?..hahha

i feel lonely la weh...everyone's not around..so sien..psst..i haven't even watch NARNIA..my gawd...

what should i blog about today?

turns out that i'll be heading nowhere for Christmas this year..we planned to go s'pore this year..but then,mum changed the plans..so we planned to go KL this year coz one of the family members decided to have a special christmas dinner for the family..BUT dad had a dateline to meet...so..turns out that..we have to be in IPOH this holiday season..

what a bummer!

i'm constantly having a heavy feeling these days..maybe i missed b too much..tried smsing b..but then i guess b's avoiding me..trying very hard to do so..maybe i'll sneak out to KL to meet b..give b a surprise visit or something..kinda worried...i don't know why..

erm..life's pretty sucky at the moment..stuck at home all the time..dunno who to call to hang out with..guess this is when the family is important..spend a lot of time with my mum and bro these days..bro has been a very nice kid now..maybe he has grown mature..or maybe he adores me now..so there are fewer arguments..kinda good..to have a bro who never disagrees with you now..hehhe..

-depression-

i'm having it all over again..silly me to read all MP's smses in my phone..and yes..i cried..each night..again and again..i'm so sick of myself..want to stop this pain from going on like that..hmm..depressed..in depressed mode..wahliao..depression..

BIG SIGH...

hmm..ivan's going s'pore tonight..wish i could tag along..then can go shopping..=P and ask him to foot the bill..(not a bad idea,right?)haha..i really need to go shopping la..really have to end my misery at this point..

don't know what to blog about..i know i'm boring my ass butt off..everyday have to wait for people to ajak me out yumcha..if i call them,they never give face..sigh..(chang eewan ah..when are u coming back to malaysia leh...UK come back for one day mar..see me..hehehe)

sigh..depressed..

(sorry for this crappy entry..dunno what to write also)

let me 1st declare that i'm still in depression mode..

i send a msg to MP yesterday...

"It's alright if u are freaked out coz i freak myself out too..Maybe this will never end.Our past will constantly be pounding on me and perhaps u being around doesn't help at all..i just dunno what i did to deserve all these crapa and i shouldn't be telling u this..i should be pretending to be happy with my life and all,telling u to be happy with your other half,and just move on..i tried talking to my conscience everynight but it seems to be stucked!..i scare myself all the time without even knowing what i'll do next..I'm scared on what lies ahead of me coz i don't know how to take the next step..I kept telling myself that u have already moved on and i shouldn't be dwelling in the past..But i see your images everywhere,even when i'm in my own room..Every night i can't sleep,afraid that u'll call and i couldn't hear the call..Every morning i can't wait to get up,just to be told that it was all a bad nightmare..The cuts on my hand are healing but the cuts in my heart has yet to do so..i realise  i'm being an idiot ,just by waiting for miracles to happen.Everyday i pray for your happiness but yet i pray for my time to come soon..Coz i want you to be happy but at the same time,i don't want to see it..i know u won't feel guilty or whatsoever coz i'm just a bypasser in your life  But u made a very strong impact in mine and my heart has lost its way to the owner.."

The reply i got in return..:-

"sigh..khian..life is for us to enjoy..don't always be pulled back..Anyway gotta sleep earlier..tmr have to wake up and get things ready..nite nite.."

i'm strucked...totally no respond of any kind..i told my friends and they were quite shocked..haha..certainly MP'S heart is made of stone..coz a human with a beating heart won't reply this way..sigh..i know..sending this message cost me 1.60..and still no reaction..wtf...

sigh..back in depression..

guess how i spend my christmas eve this year?..

well...we made reservation earlier to have our eve dinner in INDULGENCE..(well,as i;ve mentioned earlier..it's where fusion food are served in Ipoh and it's the only place which served fusion food with very high prices..)..we arrived at the place around 7.30 pm..obviously we were the early ones as there was only one couple occupying a table..

We ordered the set Christmas Dinner which consists of a 4 course dinner..we had a choice between turkey or lamb..so Mum and I took lamb,Dad and bro took turkey..the point is so that we would be able to taste every dish..haha..and we each have a glass of housewine..so..as usual..2 red wine and 2 white ones..

at 1st,..we were served the wines..as bro has yet to reach the illegal age to actually consume wine (plus he's a health freak..),so i offered to finish his glass of red wine..so that night..i had a white and a red one...then,the appetizer came..and the main course and the desert..i'll not elaborate much on the food though..

so,..almost the end of the meal,my phone rang..michelle koo was on the end of the line..our conversation was :-

mk:hey khian..where are u?

me:hey..i'm in indulgence..why?

mk: no lar..thought want to ask u out to see ..(unnamed)..so i want to see ( unnamed) mar..want u to accompany me..

me: oh..alrite..urm..can geh..my dinner coming to an end..around 9,i'll be free..but i'm tad drunk..

mk: oh..then..nvm..i call (unnamed) first..then later only i confirm..

me: (hang up)

so..i was thinking..*shit..how am i supposed to go out with her..i'm like so blur rite now..then mum was a litlle worried..i have not ever been so drunk that way..and it's only 2 glass of wine..at that time..my whole face were red..and my hands were red..hmm...so..at the end of the meal,bro has to hold my arms..and guide me back to the car..i started to blab about something..and i REMEMBER my mum asking me where i place all my money..which i spontaneously answered..'where else..the bank la..'

my mum also asked me..did u ever love someone deeply..and i answered.."yes..gave the person my entire life and still no reciprocation"..

oopps...but this morning...i woke up with 15 new messages..23 misscalls..and yes, a backache and a massive headache..whatever happens yesterday remains a mystery..tried recollecting the memories..but it seems foggy...

thank goodness i was with my family..i wouldn't want to think of what could had happened if i was out with some stranger...

who knows what will happen..?...

how did i spend Boxing day in Ipoh..?

went out with a couple of friends..orignally to have lunch..but then decided to prolong the period and caught a movie instead..so the people who went out today to jusco was:- me,dai,mel,tin,foo,fang,puiyeen,yeesan,shereen,karmun..err..tat;s all..I THINK..bad bad memory...haha..so we were supposed to meet at 12 in jusco..but u know..GIRLS are never punctual..so in the end,all of us managed to reach around 12.40..took us some time to decide on the place to eat..at last..Dave Deli it was..(actually for the last 2 days,i had my lunch there..but i didn't say anything..don't want to spoil the fun mar!)..hmm..so as usual,when girls get together..what do we do?we yak..yak..and just can't stop yakking..and let's not forget the cameras..we were busy talking,exchanging views..and also taking photos of silly faces..such as puiyeen's..and dai's..muahahahaa..it has been some time since me and tin last meet..so..we took the time to actually talk..but then i don't think it was sufficient..tin,hor?so..before i return to UTP,maybe there'll be more lunches..or dinners...so after the lunch,we decided to watch movie instead..so..we watched THE CHINESE TALL STORY..(which i've watched once with cheng chien,yoke and maylee..)..so,after the movie,they kept asking me how did i endure having to watch twice..coz they think it was a sucky movie..well..maybe it was a comedy..dry humour..so..they didn't really like it..but i personally..think it's fine..i mean..not worth your rm8..but then u should get a pirated vcd to watch this movie..

it was fun to actually hang out with this old group of friends..certainly not what i have back in UTP..not to say that punchee,pinky and everyone's not fun and all..but..u know..old friends..are certainly worth hanging out with..hahha..the jokes we shared..about pn azizah..and mdm lam..and us,5sc1 dominating MGS..and our recess hour..whoa..takes a long time for me to list everything down..but u know..all this jokes,..only we understand..haha..

i wonder if we'll still remember the moments we had in high school in 10 years time..?

"..so i guess this is the end?.."

"yes.."

"there's no way for me to turn back time or do what so ever?..i'll do anything for you,you know.."

"no..don't stay lingering here anymore..just go away..get out from my life.."

"......."

"......."

"why not?"

"..it doesn't work that way.."

"......i can't live without you.."

"..but i can do so..so could you.."

"..i just don't want to do so.."

"just leave me alone alright..? u are irritating me.."

"..i'm sorry.."

"..it's ok..now..just let go off me.."

"...i'm trying but i can't.."

"...just go to hell then.."

"....."

Dreams can be so bloody real at times..it reflects the reality...hahha..weird dream..  

hmm..

....writer's block,i presume..

anyway..just to get an entry in..i went out with a couple of friends on tuesday night..just to bid farewell to mei loo and elaine who are going to KL..elaine's going to Taylor's,doing CPU..and meiloo's to KTAR..doing MASS COMm..so,i guess they have enough of struggling in form6 and now..to a more easier life in KL..(*doubt so)...hahhaha...so,at 8.50,jin naa came and picked me from my place..with goh and judy inside with her..it has been a very long time since i last saw them..sigh...so,that night,we went yumcha-ing..in small MP in greentown..elaine told jin naa earlier that she couldn't make it..but we decided to proceed with the original plan as mei loo was also leaving us soon..so we waited in MP for mei loo to arrive..30 minutes later..,no mei loo was to be seen..and a sms came..stating that meiloo has no car and couldn't come..and we don't have to wait for her..sigh..so much for saying goodbye..in the end,4 of us..sat there..talked and laughed..haih..it was a very wonderful night..

let me furthur explain who're they..

elaine,meiloo,judy,jin naa,goh,me,laiyik,yuewen met at a tuition place..akhem..the teacher..or our teacher..is atan..mr.atan..hahha..so..when we were in form 3,we started attending this small tuition group..and certainly..we bonded so well as time went by..every year..we have a party..we were together for 3 whole years..and u can guess the bond we have...whoa!..even now,when we have parted in different paths,we always find time to actually come out for breakfast or just to yumcha...just to rekindle old flames..and..these people..are the ones who really are fun to be with..i'll still remember the times we stick together..in front of atan...adn the times we shared during our parties..the preparation and also the cleaning up..we certainly had a fun time being together...huh?

*to all of u guys..i'll miss you and i'm already missing u ppl..even though we are still around in ipoh but it's difficult to actually group all of us together...u know la..elaine has to attend to her group of friends,meiloo has broom-broom(ah looi)...and now,judy has ah loh..it's a matter of time,when everyone has their own things to attend to..i'm certainly looking forward to CNY...just to group together..and let's not forget about the gambling part,eh?...muaccckkksss!!

received an early call today..while i was still in the midst of blurness..coz waken up by the call mar..i heard a very familiar voice at the end of the line...

b: hey,angkhian..u don't have to message me anymore...

me: huh?..why?u angry again?..

b: nolar..

me: huh??

b: i lost my phone since yesterday..so..

me: oh..wait..i call u with my housephone..

b: i just said i lost my handphone..doink..how will u call me then?

me: haiyor..call your place lor..the one u are using now to call me..

bk...

then i quickly wake up from my bed,walk wobbly to the phone..and start searching frantically for the number..waiting for the number to appear on my screen seems to take ages..i dialled the number and...

b: ********* (b's working place)

me: woi..me la..

b: hehhe..(smiling at the other end)

me: why can get lost one..?where did u go yesterday..?

b: dunno..yesterday i went home and realised it was missing..i thought i left it at my working place but this morning when i came back,it's not there..so i guess i must have dropped it while on my way to work yesterday..

me: aww...so..how are u feeling now?..

b: couldn't sleep the whole night..

me: nevermind la..it's an old model anyway..

b: yes..i know..alrite la..can't talk anymore..this phone's not mine..

me: ok..take care alright..

b: yea..

and b hung up..sigh..don't know when's the next time,b will call me leh..or maybe take this time to actually have some peace away from me..i wonder..whether God has taken this matter to His hands..by torturing me..again..

till then..i'll be waiting..and waiting..waiting..for b's call...

i've been to every blog and almost everyone is reflecting on their past and also trying to predict what lies ahead for them in the year 2006..since everyone's doing it..i was thinking i should be joining the crowd..,write about what the year 2005 was for me..and of course,what do i expect to come in the year 2006..

year 2005 has been a hectic life for me..i was send to NS camp for 3 months..throughout the 3-month stint,i met with a bunch of wacko who turned out to be my best buds whom i confide in..*cheers to you,ppl!..during the stint,i did a lot of stuffs which i never dreamt that i'll do after my secondary years..no doubt the government's objective of bringing all races together in hope of unity has seem to be achieved PARTIALLY..but yes..the training is doing its part...after being released from NS,a few days later..SPM results were out..and it was on my BIRTHDAY..hahha..i was overjoyed that i did not fail my biology..i must say,i did fairly well in my SPM,considering that i didn't fail my biology..but as i've always told my friends..,i could have done much much better..(if my biology lab group wasn't the noisiest..hahha...u ppl don't act as if u don't know who they are..)..anyway..let's not forget the time when me,FOO(yes..u too),pooiyeng, and hoiwan..who always leave math class 10 minutes earlier for recess..and the time when i spend to play badminton at the back of the classroom..(yeah,u've read correctly..AT THE BACK..)..then,i was asked to attend EDUCAMP in UTP..and i went..

on the 5th OF mAY 2005,..(5.5.2005)..darkest day of the year...i experienced the most tragic thing in my life..my FIRST car accident..June,i entered form 6..a lot of things  i went through during that time...then i was accepted into UTP..and i left ACS and also a lot of memories behind..in UTP,i met alot of friends..who were there for me at my lowest point..this year too,i suffered major heart breaks..MP left me for someone..and b leaving me too...there's too much for me to say..BUT it's this year..which i experienced..the joy of being together in a family..and also the wonderful beginning of friendships being formed..

*to kenneth,i'm sorry for having to ruin all your efforts of bringing up LEO...it was all for the best..and yes,that incident has made u a more mature person and now,u have my vote to be the leader of the club..

i've become a different person,after going through so many bitter experiences..i'm not afraid to say that i've turn mature...and now,i'm no longer the class-joker..haha..no doubt,i believe many would prefer my company..(having to loosen the tensed situations for so many times,huh?) but yes,..i'm no longer the same ANGKHIAN who goes around,sharing everything that's inside my heart..but one who keeps everything inside..

i'll be expecting the year 2006 to be a more exciting year..of course..and yes..there'll be consistent studying..with punchee as my 'organiser'..there'll be more partying around though..enjoying my last teen year..as a 19 year old kid..the year 2006..will be the year..i would spend more with my family..and also my friends..more picture taking..more mamak sessions..i'll no longer commit to someone who i believe that is going to break my heart again..this year..i'll try to maintain my singlehood and scout for more lengchai guys..oops..i mean..better guys who my family is going to approve..hahha..this year..i'll not waste unnecessary funds..limit my phone credit so that i'll be able to shop more end of the year..i'll make time for my grandparents..bring them out more..i think..what's coming in the year 2006..shall remained unknown..and i have to experience it myself..i sudder at the thought of it..but ..like the saying goes.."when it comes,it comes la.."..dunno whose saying..but someone said to me before ..haha..stupid saying..hehhe..but it's true..whatever that GOd or someone in particular  has installed for us..i'm sure it's for the best..(uh-huh)...

it's just PARTS AND PARCELS of life..to be tortured burdened with obstacles..haha...

cheers to everyone..may u have a wonderful year ahead..and yes,..let's not forget the year 2005 which have bought us nothing,..but sorrow and pain....well..for me ,at least..

but look at the bright side..there's always the year 2006..the year 2007..the year 2008..the year 2009,..2010,..2011..2012..

Heaven Knows

- Rick Price

she's always on my mind,
from the time i wake up
'till i close my eyes
she's everywhere i go
she's all i know

though she's so far away
it's just keeps getting stronger
every day
and even now she's gone
i'm still holding on

so tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

chorus:
maybe my love will come back some day
only heaven knows
and maybe our hearts will find their way
only heaven knows
and all i can do is hope and pray
'cause heaven knows

my friends keep telling me
that if you really love her
you've gotta set her free
and if she returns in kind
i'll know she's mine

so tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

chorus

why i live in despair
'cause wide awake or dreaming
i know she's never there
and all these time i act so brave
i'm shaking inside
why does it hurt me so...

chorus

heaven knows