" I want you, but it's not a relationship I want. I just want you.."

Sometimes I think I confuse myself and the other people around me. I think I do make sense at times, just that using the right word to fit into the right mood, is sometimes difficult.

I was talking to Yiling the other day, asking her what she thinks..

"Yiling, is there such thing as I want a person, but it's not a relationship I want, just the particular person?"

She said, "Why not?"..

Then, curiously, I asked her, what makes the two person then?

"Err, in the midst of pursuing each other?”

Things happen.
Ugly things, Happy things, Bad things, Good things, Terrible things, Horrible things..
Things. Ya know?..

Chan Wei Ern, if you are reading this, where is your blog?? Where did it go?!!

I've been good hiding my emotions, but not my feelings.

I actually had my first noodle cup of the semester tonight, when SOMEONE refused to go mamak with me. Hahha..and I was practically famished in the room, so desperately, the only source of food I found was Maggi Mee Cup Noodle which I bought last week, due to impulse buying. It was then left there for almost 7 days, untouched because I was too lazy to boil water, and I didn't crave for Noodles then. Instant Noodles, that is.

Tomorrow morning will be the last field work for Geomatics.
Then there will be Survey Camp and another end of the year project.
Wheeee~~...

I am only faking it okay.

I am currently trying to not be too pushy. Wish me luck.
No pressure. No external force.
Only nice words. And lotsa caring touches.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAH...*ham sup look!*

The phone alarm went off at 7.10 a.m.

I snoozed it (as usual!), and it went off again at 7.19 a.m. and I snoozed it again..this went on, until the time finally showed 8.08a.m.. Field work was at 8 a.m. today. I tossed around, deciding whether to wait for a while longer. The roommate has already left the room for her morning class. Dreadfully, I staggered to the bathroom, got myself clean, in time to wax my hair alil and I was set going.

I reached the lab at 8.30a.m.  (On the Dot, I tell you!). Antonished to see quite a number of students turned up early this time; signed my attendance, and moved on to looking for the rest. Everyone was standing while staring blankly at the lab assistants who were obviously trying to explain something. At least some were fortunate enough to grab a seat. I gave the rest a quick nod, and quickly catch up with what I probably didn't miss in the first place.

I looked at the board.
The lab assistant has been talking for quite some time now.
Checked the time. 8.46 a.m.

HUH?!
Everyone was already dozing off. I was getting impatient, I looked around, and took a seat, on the floor. Surprisingly, as soon as I sat down, many of them followed. Everyone was getting tired of listening to the lab assistants. Why bother? when we don't really understand?

I scanned through the room again. Shocked to see one of my coursemates who dressed up for this field work. Mind you. She was in a mini skirt, finished with tights and with pumps. Was she going for a beauty pagent or geomatics lab work?

9.05 a.m. The assistants asked us to group together to do some minor calculations before beginning the field work. Thank Goodness we have two people in the group who were concentrating in the explanation session. Our data came out correctly. I am not so much of a morning person, especially when the brain is required. I kept quiet most of the time.

Apparatus were distributed among all the 9 groups present. We took our things and set out to the open area near one of the Civil Block. As it rained pretty heavily the night before, the area was muddy, and to get to the bigger side of the field, we have to cross a "river". I pity the girl with pumps, man.

The heat was unbearable. No suntan lotion was applied. I had to endure the consequences later. After 2 hours of confusion, we finally collected our data, and was ready to do the final touchings.

When we were about to end, we realized some of our points were taken off. So, we went scurrying off, trying to find the culprits. We saw one group who were surprisingly holding more than what they were given earlier. We approached them.

One "Pok-kai" didn't even apologize. Instead, she bluntly shoved us away by saying, "Your theodolite is still there right? Go do again lah..Everyone makes mistakes!"

Hello. It's already 12 p.m. We took a lot of hard work, trying to finish it, and now, you are to tell us, to do it again, because you knuckleheads intentionally accidentally pulled out our stuffs? If you really did make a mistake, and you apologize, we would have to accept it, and try figuring another way..But you "Pok-kai" said such words, with no signs of regret.

She was lucky, we didn't throw the theodolite at her.

I already thought she was rude, with an ugly face. Because earlier, she demanded something from our group, that we had borrowed earlier. The way she asked us to lend to her group first was as if, the thing was hers in the beginning.

"Bagi kami pakai dulu. Nanti you ambil balik lah~"

Then she showed me her ugly face.

I had to agree. I am not ugly. It's alright if you are ugly physically. It's not your fault, I don't blame you. If you are uglier inside, you are hopeless, my dear.

We finally took another easy way out. Ended our field work later than expected. 

For a million years, people has asked me questions like,
"Are you straight?"
"Why are you dressing so guy-like?"
"Why are you close to this girl, so and so?"

And today, I have decided that I should probably explain my current self.
No point going around my back, wondering whether I am this or that.
Hear the first hand news for yourself.
*Stop bitching about me behind my back, you sissy fellas!!*

In the first place, why would you wanna care whether I am straight or otherwise?
If you are a guy, it's not like you stand in the running.
If you are a girl, it's not like I am even interested in you.

Some would say I am confused. Some would even say it's just not the right time.
Some would even say you are just fooling around.
Now, let me tell you what ANGKHIAN would say.

I have no sexual preference.
Happy?
It can be a girl, or a guy. As long as I am comfortable with a him/her, then I am fine with it.
Love plays trick on most of the people. You either get that person, or you get true love.

It's one thing per-say.

Now, are you satisfied? Stop going behind my back, discussing about irrelevant issues about me. I am no Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt for you to talk about.

Second issue: Why do I dress so differently compared to other girls? So guy-like..

Ok, another answer would be, "WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CARE?"

I dress the same way like the rest of the girls. Just like I carry a boyish look. EH, not my fault I got guy features okay? You jealous ke, Motherfuckers?

Some dickheads think they are slightly better than the rest.
Just because they get better results than most of the people here, they think they are just the better ones here.
I am not going to sensor this entry because by chance, if any of you dickheads do pass by this page, and you feel a slight jab on the puny heart of yours, it's most probably you, whom I am talking about.

Dickheads.
I am beginning to like the word already.
It's there to remind me that one of the greatest guys I know, would be my dad.

Dickheads think they are better than the rest, which the only thing I think they are good at, would be acting like a bunch of losers.
So many times I have tried changing my perception towards them, thinking that time would only make things abit easier, but fuck, the problem doesn't lie in me.

Heck. Ugly girls are not second class citizens okay. Neither are the pretty ones being the first class.

If you have nothing better to say, just shut the fuck up okay? Who ask for your retarded comments which doesn't seem at all funny.? 

You are only ruining the reputation of the other guys in the world. Just shut the fuck up, let the good guys take over the world, and you dickheads, back to the hole.

Feeling slightly pissed at the moment.  

Thank God I Found You 
 » Mariah Carey

I would give up everything
Before I'd separate
Myself from you,
After so much suffering
To finally find unvarnished truth
I was all by myself
For the longest time
So cold inside
And the hurt from the heartache
Would not subside
I felt like dying
Until you saved my life

CHORUS
Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
My every wish and every dream
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight
Completed my whole life
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
My baby I'm so thankful
I found you

I will give you everything
There's nothing in this world
I wouldn't do
To insure your happiness
I cherish every part of you
'Cause without you beside me
I can't survive
Don't want to try
If you're keeping me warm
Each and every night
I'll be alright
Because I need you in my life

REPEAT CHORUS

See I was so desolate
Before you came to me
Looking back I guess
It shows that we were
Destined to shine
After the rain, to appreciate
The gift of what we have
And i'd go through it all over again
To be able to feel this way

How often do you find yourself being blocked online?

The feeling of being blocked, aah..you can't exactly ask the person why, but the only thing you can do is to see what happens next.

3 more minutes to go for UCITY dinner.
Fyi, UCITY is a society for all civil engineering students.
Didn't wanna go earlier, but they just announced that I am going to be one of the EC's..haha, prestigious weh!!

Being recognized and being one of the representatives. Today, I might need to go on the stage and give her speech too..aaarrrggghh..hehe..tension giler..

The roommate is abit moody. Maybe due to my moodiness too?
*Punchee, are you alright? I am not feeling too good myself too. It affects, I guess..=)*

Aagh..i have no idea what to wear..it's the normal black and white..haha..mind you, someone walked in and thought I was changing into a guy..Fark!!



Definitely must camwhore first!!hahaha..

--unreturned phone calls, unreplied smses, blocked online..what's next?

When things do not go your way, WAIT.
Better things will come later..

*Check email. Sent 2*

Blogging hiatus for one day.

A lot has happened during this weekend, and for me to finish writing everything down in one sitting, is impossible.
Plus, it's the time of the month when I have this STEWPID stomach cramp.
Of all days!!

I think I am going to faint with this unbearable pain.

I was out on Friday night. Aah, the story beguns on Friday night itself.

I attended:

UCITY Dinner.

The Civil Engineering Society.

Dinner was in Clearwater Sanctuary Resort. It has been quite some time since I last stepped in. I remember the days when GYM was a chore. Went there almost every weekend with dad. Dad would be playing the 18-holes, I would be in the gym, bro will be in the pool, mum would be with the yoga ladies. Those days.

So, dinner was scheduled to start at 8.15p.m., we reached at 8.05p.m. Mingled around with the Hi-Comms and a few of my batch mates.

 

The dinner ended up starting at 9! and we were trying to leave at 10pm because the next day, we have to wake up as early as 5!..however, we were one of the VIPs that night, so we decided to leave earlier, but only about 11pm.

Food sucks.
Ceremony and Protocol Sucks.
Gadgets sucks.

We, enjoyed ourselves.


I even managed to catch up with Natasha Ramdass, an International student. Aah, I see her so kesian sit alone mar..



During the dinner, I wasn't enjoying myself that much either. Alot of things in mind. The replied sms was cold.

I didn't even have a proper meal, only thinking of coming back to UTP as soon as time permits.

Reached UTP about 11.50p.m., went to change a new set of clothes and went out.
Conversation was cold in the beginning, both searching for the right words to say.

Conversation ended at 4a.m.
Barely even slept, had to wake up at 5.30a.m.

Good. At least, I left the campus with a still emotion.

, thank you.

To make up my depressing entries, I have decided to post one picture.



I just realized I look cool in shades...



Now, that's something to be happy about, right?

With tests around the corner, and deadlines to meet, my study desk is getting messier each day. Well, don't get me wrong, it was already messy from the start, but now, it's messi-ER.

The mood swings are getting back now.
Don't think I throw tantrum everywhere, because I don't.
I just feel depressed and sorry for myself, most of the time.
Well, but then again, I guess I already mature since previous sems, and am handling it.
Not pretty well, but yes, it's being handled.

You see, it's like when you are in a tunnel, and you see light at the end of it.
Yeah, I found mine.
Proven last night.
(*sheeeessshhh, yalah yalah, I am not thinking alot la!*)

and there's this huge community of homoS I just found out about. =)
Good courage to potray what they feel.

Pretty random this entry.
Nothing much to write about these days, unless if you want to hear about my work, work and more work.
but pssst..I ain't starting any of those yet!

Yeahlah, foo..Engineering Student very busy one ah..
Law student also busy la right..so both of us, sama-sama busy yea..
Psychology student how?
Bio-med student?
Pharmarcist how?
Medical student worst la right?

Paling free are the ones sitting at home lah, still enjoying the holidays!

Ipoh was fun! *beaming*

The girls went to Parade to get her dress, accessories, and that sorta girl-y things for ICC dinner. I don't see the big hoo-hah in getting all prep up for this dinner, some sorta normal dinner to me actually..but then, all the preparation made it look like a prom night or something that sort..Sigh.

After a series of walking in and out "Comma", and a few rounds of here and there, finally I was able to leave Parade. Not to mention that I managed to meet Karmun,MooiLan and PooiYeng, who happened to have the same shift together yesterday. I am certainly not in the mood for shopping actually.

In my mind, my brain cells was busy rushing to figure out a way to complete my work. Mind you.

*Did I mention I screwed up my Geomatics Test 1?*

After Parade, there was this Jusco to go to. Alot of things were bought, especially the grocerries. Dinner was at Dave Deli's (Don't go there anymore! Changed management!). Another round of clothes-hunting, shoe-hunting, etc., they finally gave up and we decided to go for a round of movie.

Bumped into Natasha and Okuswa, with their 2 charming beau. We created a scene in front of the supermarket..With huggings and loud talks..haha..it was as if we didn't meet for a very, very long time.
Usual, both of them look stunnning, even for Jusco.
I was in my usual "ah-pek" shorts and "Drink More Water" Nike Purple+pinkish shirt, with sandals.

The girls wanted "The Reaping", acted by Hillary Swank.
I wanted "Ninja Turtles".
I lose. We went for "The Reaping".

Movie plot: ".............................."
Seeing her covering her face, with my jacket, and creating some funny sounds in between the scenes.., that was the better part!
*evil grins*

The movie was not scary at all. Considering I had a hard time watching, because our seats were 2 seats from the screen! I swore my neck was going to break off anytime soon.
I resorted in a lil sms chat with Sharon Pau, while scheming for something naughty.

It didn't work. But there was numerous chances.
Regretted!
Double regretted!

Supper was in "Tong Sui Kai". It wasn't crowded for a Saturday night.
The usual food.

I am beginning to waste a lot of food. I can't eat that much anymore.
Yesterday, the first food which that touched my stomach was dinner.
and it sucked!

We reached safely in campus at 1a.m. Alot was discussed in the car.
Though we weren't what I wanted to be, yet I enjoyed myself.
Honest.

Now, to get back to what I have to do:

Work due tomorrow(Monday)
- Vector Calculus Test2
- PCS Presentation
- Solid Mechanics Lab Report
- Geomatics Lab Report.

Priorities are incorrect. Damn.

I want you to want me.

Of being straight..



or being who I really am?

                         
Life's full of choices. Unnecessary decision-making.

"You make me wanna call you in the middle of the night.
You make me wanna hold you till the morning light.
You make me wanna love, you make me wanna fall.
You make me wanna surrender my soul.
I know this is a feeling that I just can't fight.
You're the first and last thing on my mind.
You make me wanna love, you make me wanna fall.
You make me wanna surrender my soul."

'You make me wanna' - Blue

iPod hinting me something, early in the morning?
Funny. Funny. Double funny.

I threw up once this morning. It has been a long time since I last have a 3-hour sleep before class. Good. Now I know how it feels to actually vomit without eating anything before that.

It's always good to know that people around you are slowly peeling off their protecting shield.

And when they say "Laughing is always the best medicine" ;
Then let me tell you that "Crying is always the best remedy!"

I am beginning to know some people more.
Not from what I was told, but from what I observed.

Like I have always said, "I may look dumb, but hello, look again."

I know what I want, who I want, how I want it, and where I want to do it.
You will be surprised. Anyone of you who's there, you would be surprised.

I am not as dumb as you think I was.
I am not as easy-going as you think I was.

I am in this for real. I am in this for the running.

So I was telling her,
I played the piano at the age of 5, stopped in Grade 7. Also know how to strum a few lines in Guitar and hit a few bits using the drum..

And then she said,
"Great! And now, you know how to play the trombone too!!"

Don't know to "gek sei" or to "siu sei".

The day started early today.

At the crack of dawn (7.00a.m.), my eyes were wide open.
Funny. Usually, I won't even be able to wake up at 9 in the morning, but today, today seems different. I stared at my ceiling, listening to the silence. Stillness.
My braincells were already working by now, recollecting what had happened just a few hours back.

Aah, there was this UCITY interview conducted. Boring.
Fast forward ahead, oh, I remembered now..The phone call. The conversation. OUR conversation.

I was questioned.
"What are your plans?"
"So what happens next after that?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"Can we talk after your finals?"

We talked. I was almost in tears, in search for the right words.
I know, one word I uttered wrongly, one word could end everything.
So distraughted inside, searching deep inside, asking myself what I want.

I know what I want now.
The phone conversation ended peacefully.

But I can't sleep. Well.
Staring at the ceiling, mind pacing, thinking.

"What are my pre-plannings?"
"What do I want?"
The most important thing: "What happens next?"

The clock shows 7.45 a.m., it's time to get up.
Early morning today. Field work.

The sun was doing me injustice today. It was strong.I was weak.
Tired, mentally and physically. I forced a smile to the group members.
It would be rather unfair to drag all of them down today.
Not today. Today's the final project.

At 10a.m., we were still struggling. I was lost, as usual.

At 10.30 a.m., finally, we moved a point. One point.
It's a good start. At least, we are moving. 

I really couldn't stand it. I texted 'heng dai'. All the way to Manchester, UK.
Told her about the conversation.
She said,
"At least there was a conversation..It's a progress."
"You know you can't promise future, when you don't know what's future like."

I became to feel better. Slightly.
I kept telling myself, it's just time. I would need more time.
And a lil faith. And patience. And a stronger will.

I smiled. For the first time, I smiled. 
'Good things always come when you have let go.'
Isn't that true? That's what I was told all the time. It has to be true, right?
Somehow, right?

Work finished at 11a.m. The Sun. Mud.
It's over.

Came back.
And I saw this,
"I don't think I'll be falling anyhow."

Stunned.

Coincidently, my family lawyer called.
It's about my court case. Complications.
Not my priority now..I have far more complicate-r issues here.
Before he hung up, I asked him a question.

"So, *Albert, do you think you can go far with your girlfriend? What are your plans really? The two of you seems to be together forever."

"We are no longer together. We separated a few months back. Complications."- he said.

Pre-planning. Hmm...

I just need to be patient. And alil faith.
And a chance.

I am still hanging on. At least when I still have my sanity.

[ Great. I have fluid assignment due at 5pm today. I just found out about it like 4 mins ago. ]

Just don't tell me you can't fall.
It's either I would have to try harder, or I would have to try even harder.
Either way, I have already fallen.

*names been changed. He's a famous lawyer, can't disclose the identity.

It's one of those days, I wished that someone would actually understand how I feel.
The someone who would at least, know more about my life. The someone whom I actually fell for.

Instead, I got the blame.
For being unprofessional. Being too personal.
Hello. If I were to be the only one who feels that way, then probably I am unprofessional.
But if the whole committee is feeling the same way, maybe the cause of the problem should do something about it?

I was out the whole day, doing this rehearsal thing for EDX for gazellion times.
The important people weren't there.
The people who pretend to be important were there for the full board meeting tonight.
Pretenders. Hmmph.!

After rehearsal, went for dinner with Chee fai and Peichie.
Cheefai was as if invisible; both me and peichie was catching up with our lives.

Went back for another session of rehearsals while finishing the last-minute touches of EDX.
My department was pretty busy, preparing the gimmick and being assigned to other tasks.
In the end, I was provoked.
I helped the other department finished something.
NOT because I felt obliged to, but because I want something to be done.
Instead of barking, I felt that I had to contribute in some ways.

The organization chart was done by me, Issac and a few help and there.
I was hungry, tired and pissed. And disappointed and upset.

By the time we left the MAIN HALL, it was already 1.30 in the morning.
Hungry, desperately, and yeah, I WAS HAVING GASTRIC already, we went out for mamak.
Harpreet, TeeHooi, Punchee, William, Xi Yi, JunJia, Melvin, Pangkor, Billy and I went to Salam.
Food was expectedly, un-nice!!
But I got high on teh-o-ais-limau, considering I was already blabbing non-stop with the gang. I don't even know what I was saying, other than the fact that I was blabbing.

I don't know..I guess pretending to be happy with no worries, is a kind of shield I learn to developed as I grow older.
Let the whole world thinks they know who I really am, but leave myself to judge who I am..
People do not have to know the ugly side of me. They would just have to live with my other side.

Tomorrow is gonna be a long day.
And I have another 2 hours to sleep before the whole thing begins.

Oh yeah, we had fun teasing one another throughout the whole organization chart doing thing. Beginning to know her more.

I am already tired. Just so tired.

I get fucking treatments all the time. Tired..so fucking tired...

Short-term goal: Be professional. Be strong will-ed.
Long-term goal: Pre-planning.

Seem that we don't have anything in common..which I think resulted us in not having much to talk about.

If it's a just a phase, please let it pass by quickly.
If it's not, I hope the light would be shown as soon as possible.

Anymore heart-breaking news, I can't take it any longer. Heart's too weak。

Gimme a H!
Gimme a U!
Gimme a N!
Gimme a G!
Gimme a R!
Gimme a Y!

and what does that spell?

H-U-N-G-R-Y!
HUNGRY!!!

I want to eat seafood!!!

Ah Look tempted me just now.. I want to eat!!

*stomps feet!!*

I was browsing through photobucket when I found this:



OMG. When was this taken???

Form 5?
or Form 4?

I think Michelle changed quite alot, but me..haha, looking back, I think I barely changed. Except now, my hair has gone a lil red, but other than that, I still look the same.

Mum said, I should start changing right after form 5.
But no, the government send me for National Service.

After that, mum said I ought to change as soon as I stepped into university.
But no, my hormones said it was too early.

Now, my age keeps telling me to change.
But no. I do not want to.

Well, before I go, just one picture to show how cam-whorish I can get at times.



I miss 5SC1 peeps!! We ought to have a reunion or something, albeit the fact that I always meet Foo and Dai, but where are the rests??

I am hungry. But busy.
i want mcd. mcd. mcd. mcd.

and please, I know I am stupid. Don't remind me.