I know it's difficult for the two of us, you especially.
So difficult to have tears, and still have to leave. But I'll be back. Very soon.

Missing you already. I'll be here, always. For you lah..

I'm home.
For 2 days now. Do I like it? Not so used to it anymore. Do I hate here? Not really lah.
Do I want to go back to KL? Erm, I want to, but I can't.

I still miss KL alot. Like how I always look forward to the end of work, to go home. And how many pasar malams and yumcha sessions I look forward to. And now, everything seems so far-fetched. I don't like the feeling of coming home, yet being attached to somewhere else.

*waves to the Lollies!*

Today, Teehooi pm-ed me on Gtalk, asking me whether have I registered for my hostel room, and whether am I going back to UTP. I felt like just giving up and head back to RSP Engineers. That's my internship placement company. Don't feel like going back there anymore, because that would mean a distance from my "second home". I can't say I like it in the city, but 8 months is just enough time for you to grow roots to a certain place.

Joanne, one of the reasons why I missed KL. Difficult separation, yet it was mandatory. There are some things which needs to be completed, i.e, my degree. Can't do much about the distance, for suddenly a 2-hour apart state seems like a gazzilion light years apart. Sigh, I can't say much.

What have I done for the past 2 days? Eat, sleep, watch movie, sleep and basically bergayut on the phone. There's a phone call every each hour; sometimes 2-3 calls. I miss her a lot.
Sam, if you are reading this, thanks for 'sending me off' the other day. All the yuk ma words..hehehe!

Gosh, another 9 more days seem so long..

Yumcha was very impromptu, ever since they knew I was home.
I was supposed to head to Ipoh Parade in the afternoon, but because of slight miscommunication, I didn't make it. Darn it! The whole group was there. Looks like they missed out on me, again. Hehhe.

As much as I missed KL, yet being around with them last night, reminded me how long since I've came home.

Yoke Yee brought her poloroid camera along last night..and *snip-snip* we took pictures of ourselves.
Thanks to YokeYee, I convinced her to take my self-potrait so that I can let someone put it in her purse, so that she has no chance to bercurang..to oogle on my picture all day!

Although the group was a small one, but the sound impact we left the place, was tremendous! I know that the whole shop was able to hear our conversations and laughters. To a point we talked about "diu-diu"..hehe..How obscene that was! Ipoh's in fact a small town, where I actually bumped into a few random people last night.Including my cousin! That's rare.

Khian, Yoke Yee and Crystal @ Oldtown Kopitiam


Just too bad that I had to come home so late, when everyone's heading back to their respective campuses, and I'm stuck in Ipoh. Luckily, there's always YokeYee who's started her career here, so I know who to call yumcha during the late afternoons.

Short but a quick catch up last night. Came home in time to catch up with Joanne. I love to see her through the tiny window..on MSN lah...!

I know I've been a lil distant away from my Ipoh friends. Feeling slight guilt, ever since I started my internship in KL. I've always been away from home, even during the weekends. I know I should've spend more time, since they came back from their respective unis since May, but coming back during the weekends takes more than just a stable financial status. It requires a lot of time wasted, just by travelling. I know I've missed out on the BBQ parties, the uncountable yumcha sessions, the movies, the catching up..sigh, but there's always the midsem break, and the upcoming sem breaks right? Urm, not really a good excuse but yeah, just too bad we all have to grow up so fast, eh?

I did, however, catch up with Avinesh, one of my breakfast kaki in Ipoh. Yesh, it's hard to find people to wake up early for breakfast, especially when MOST OF THEM would sleep in till the late afternoons. So, can I consider both Avinesh and I, abit older than our age? Hehhe, well, ocassionally we get WaiYen with us, but ahh, just too bad she was not available this morning..

Well, did not manage to snap a picture of us two, but let me go korek see whether can show you who's Avinesh or not...wait hahhh...

(Gosh, this was taken a year ago! In Breeze Cafe, 3rd of July 2008! Avi, if you are reading this, I'm helping you increase market value ok?? I look so urm..slutty here..lol!!)

We had the usual Kalai breakfast, an Indian Restaurant, famous in Ipoh. I think I'm among the few people who would enjoy an Indian breakfast, sometimes. Well, you'd be surprised that most people would prefer CHinese food for breakfast rather than Indian's. Hrrmmm, matter of preferences..I guess.
The first thing he said when he saw me, was "My, AngKhian, you look, urm..prosperous.."

Prosperous..hmmm..that's the men language for saying, "Gosh! Look at you! You have put on some weight!"

Hahha, yeah, he's not the only one who said so..Since I came home, many had said that. "Fei jor wohh..but you look nicer with some meat on lah.."..Like that's gonna make me feel better like that..hehe..but oklah, fat mai fat lor..at least can diet lah..should not be difficult lah..hehehe..
BUT I still think it's the hair lah..coz it's shorter now..the hair cannot cover the face cheeks already mah..right??

My recent picture with Crystal @ Oldtown Kopitiam, Ipoh Padang.


So, both Avi and I, had tosais while keeping me up to date with the latest gossip, including his. Hahha, I'm glad that nothing much has changed, since I left..
*Avi, we should do this often, this coming sem, since I'm gonna be around..ok?*

Many has left already. Maylee who's starting her working life in KL this coming Monday. Crystal's back to her jungle up north. PhooiYee's flying off to Sarawak on the 8th. YokeYee, is still here. Me? Wanna find doraemon, borrow its pintu suka hati, wanna go to Jalan Gasing. Lol!


Something happened last night. Want to blog about it, but maybe in the late afternoon later.
I shall crawl back to bed, dream about some things..hehehe..#ugly creatures, be gone!#

p/s: It's 12.27pm now, Dear's still in dreamland. Promised to let her sleep till 2pm today..but I'm bored..Aaahhhh..dear ah..faster wake up hou mou jek?? hou mou jek...??

I miss her a lot..
On the webcam, yet on the phone..:D
I love you!

Ever since I came home, I've been pretty stressed up. And no, it's not because of the partially finished Final Report which I'd have to hand in to the lecturer, hard-cover bound, hot-stamped, by the 2nd week when school reopens. And no, it's not because of the unproportionate body fats around me, building their way slowly during this remaining "sem-break" of mine. But because ever since I came home, mum's not too happy with my appearance. I think she's a little disappointed with what KL has done to me.

I remember when I first went to KL, I was determined to change myself to a more ladylike appearance. If any of you would've remembered, the hair was long, nearly touching the shoulder..and I even bought a pair of heels to go to work! Remember Piere Cardin, TeeHooi and ShiouTing? I was thinner than now, and if one who did not know me in the first place, would've thought that I was stunningly gorgeous..but that was then. However, I have to mention that, I was uncomfortable with myself. Forcing myself to be someone/something that I don't even know what I was. I was nowhere here or there, like I was stuck nowhere. I can't see myself, carrying a girly outlook, neither could I see myself, being all manly. Nonetheless, to make things much easier and happier, I decided to take the 8 months break from home, and tried to change myself, to the daughter that my mum have always wanted me to be.

But as fate has it, I started hanging out with people, whom I would like to address the same kind. Albeit a little dramatic at times, yet I felt like I fit in somewhere, somehow. I remembered telling a certain friend of mine, when she found out that I was mixing with people from Purplelab, that I felt like I was again, nowhere here, or there. I don't see myself, being an Andro. Or a butch. Or someone who loves girls entirely. Or would I see myself, being all girly to get a guy's attention. I was once again, confused. But I let fate take its course, and met with a bunch of people whom I felt comfortable hanging out with.

To cut the story short, I remember how I first got my new haircut. The one which absolutely differs from my usual hairstyle. It was in Oldtown Kopitiam, Taman Connaught, when I told the friends that I wanted to cut my hair. That's when they commented that I looked the same each time I have my haircut, and how I should change my outlook.To which I mustered the courage to snip-snip my hair away.
To become how I look right now. I never regretted because I felt that I look better this way. 

And things went on well, for as long as I was in KL. Dad saw my haircut, did not say much. In fact I think he's not even bothered with the way I look. Never did he say I look like a guy..or what..Until I came home.

Mum was fine with my appearance. At least she didn't say anything to begin with. The nightmare started when she asked me to attend this wedding reception dinner with her. It was her side of the family, and god knows how big my mum's side of the family is. I told her that I had no girly clothes..and all my t-shirts can't fit me..So the only thing left are my button-up shirts and a pair of jeans. And my pair of Nikes. She wasn't happy at first, so I said I can find my own dinner kaki, and she can just go without me. I can always fetch her there, and go get her later, but she insisted that I follow. Keyword: Insisted.
I changed, she saw me, yet I know she was not happy about it. So I asked her again, to just go on her own, but she said it's okay.

It was a bad decision, because in the car, she kept asking me to wear my heels..Why I did not put on makeup..All those motherly talk. I kept quiet throughout the entire journey. Till we reached, in order to make her happy, I changed my Nikes to my pair of leather heels. At least that stopped her for good ol' 5 minutes.
Then the nightmare starts.

The relatives, whom I had no idea who was who..started asking my mum whether I was her son. Like wtf.
And the gazzillion relatives who approached our table started asking whether I'm her son. And my cousin had to rub it in by introducing me, to one of the uncles that I'm his younger brother. My mum's face was darker than charcoal the entire night. And refused to talk to me. The whole night, I engaged myself, by texting dear. And to make matters more agonizing, one of the aunts decided to ask me whether I've learned wearing a skirt. Like that was the best time to ask such a question.
After dinner, to make things easier for mum, I left the dinner earlier, walked a distance away from mum. She did not talk to me the entire night. And the following morning.

Like I can do anything about it.

I love you.

MAXIS barred my line again. KNNCCB betul lah..
It's like my whole life only work to pay MAXIS only..
now don't know korek which lubang to pay the minimal rate..
worse than hutang credit card..

Tsk..tsk..tsk..
Really, I'm amused. Why am I amused?
We're all laughing, for the same reason.
The same reason? Yesh, the same reason.

My holiday is good, until today, when I found out that I couldn't connect to the internet, since MAXIS decided to bar everything. Including, my broadband. Great.
Luckily there's Streamyx at home, and that, also a major headache. Something's wrong with the connection, thus disconnecting 90% of its connection time.
So, means no webcam session with dear.

But I'm coming down very soon. I want to eat LOK LOK in SS2. *wink!* Maybe, at 2 in the morning.
*Lollies, Interested?*

Tsk..tsk..tsk..
We're still laughing lah..Damn funny wei..

p/s: Jiang and Mel cancelled our badminton game tomorrow. Yumcha with YokeYee then.

pp/s: Oh yeah, before I forget..Yenny complained that I didn't specifically mention her name in the previous entry..so she's jealous that Sam's name was mentioned..hey, but I did *waved* to the Lollies wert..ish..memang kuat jeles lah..

So HIE YENNY!! (and in case every Lollie gets jealous..hence, the roll call..)

• HIE CHRIS!
• HIE CHLOE!
• HIE VIV!
• HIE JO! <3
• HIE SAM!
• HIE JASH!

Cukup ke the number? Cukup right? Oh yeah..HIE FIF!

Last night, I went to check out this new place in Ipoh, Josephine Cafe, Pub and Bistro. I know it's been opened since Feb'09, but maafkanlah saya..I've been away for too long now..hehe.. So, last night clueless where to go, we went to this newly-opened unexplored place, in Ipoh Garden East. Nice ambience, but very pricey for a small town like Ipoh. No doubt we are familiar with Indulgence's cut throat price tag, but Illy <3 Josephine Cafe, can be pretty steep for this small town. I would love to post pictures, but the friend's gone missing. I took a couple of pretty pictures, but maybe, the next entry lah..

This morning, the alarm rang without waking me up.Luckily I was in time to meet up with YokeYee in Oldtown for breakfast. Finally, the long-craved Egg custard. Again, no pictures were taken. I guess I grew up from the fad of taking pictures of food. Well, and probably the camera's battery's been acting up, so my camera isn't functioning like how it's supposed to. And one lithium battery costs me about RM150.
Did I not mention that I got a parking ticket? 20 minutes late already so efficient. Not at this downside of economy ok?

According to Wikipedia,

"A pre-engagement ring (also known as a promise ring or friendship ring) is a ring given to a romantic partner to signify a commitment to a monogamous relationship, often as a precursor to an engagement ring. Promise rings can be worn on any finger, but those symbolizing pre-engagement are generally worn on the left ring finger; sometimes, the left middle finger or right ring finger is used instead to prevent confusion with an actual engagement ring.^"

<sup>and it's history..

"</sup>Promise rings date back to the 16th century. Traditionally, the ring is called a "friendship ring" when there is no promise to marry and a "promise ring" when there is a promise to marry. Illustrations show that friendship rings were given as early as 1576 CE. In those days, when a man could not afford to get married, he would often buy a promise ring as a placeholder until such time he would be able to effectuate a marriage. During the 20th century, in some instances women would offer men's promise rings to their man because, at the time, he was unable to commission to be wed. It was generally a surprise offering and was something the man could accept or deny. Tradition generally holds that these rings were given by younger couples. This was usually the case because it was normal for the young couple not to have a wealth position that would allow for marriage and children. Nowadays anyone can give a promise ring, regardless of wealth or social status. "

I had no idea there were such a thing called a "promise ring" until I googled about it today. From the picture above, one could see it has no heart designs, not a three-stone diamond ring, and most of all, it looks like it's brought from some vendor stall in Petaling Street.  

So, mine's not brought from Petaling Street, even if it was, it's not such a big deal. With my current financial status, it's only relevant that the only thing I can afford next to a genuine ring, is an imitated one.

I wear mine, on my pinkie finger, on the right.

Maybe, it's not an expensive item. But when I bought them (a pair), it took my entire savings for that particular day. It's not a luxurious item, but freedom was given to her to choose the design she wanted.
I was once told, that you may not be happy if you married a rich man. However, you would be the happiest woman, if the man you get married to, is willing to give you his everything.  I'm not sure I explained that correctly, since it was told to me in cantonese, but if you are smart enough, you would get the picture.      

*Things has been harsh on you lately, but you have me*

I'm coming down tomorrow..

after 7 days..I'm heading down to Kay-Elle.

p/s: Don't aggravate me tak tentu pasal. I have short patience limit.. 

It's amazing how I can produce blog entries so easily, but when it comes to my final report, its fate seems to be urm...not doing so good? It's still pending, and with only 20 pages, can it even qualify itself to be a final report? Sigh..this report is very troublesome..giving me alot of problems..

In order to keep myself sane today, went to dug up my old photo albums, decided to post a few old school pictures in Facebook. It's a wonder I could do all those, but not complete my final report yea?

This was taken back in 2004, when the Interact Club organized this charity event at the Spastic Home, in Jalan Gopeng. Usually such events don't get much publicity and support, but this one in particular, had alot people attending it. Why?
I remember back in Form 5, for SPM, one of the modules was to do folio. Folio Moral. One of the activities (or requirements) was to do some charity thing, take photos, and compile them in a scrap book. Thus, this is one of the social works that we had a lot of support.

This is our gila-gila class photo. Probably the only one which is not so formal..taken in the class.. Speaking of which, I miss the ample space of the classroom in the Form 5 block. Don't play play k, this trinity block is also known as the seniors' heaven, because it's located far from the staff room, which means you want to TALK AS LOUD until can wake your ancestors from the grave also can. 5Sc1, not known for its excellence in academic results, but we are famous for the most numbers of prefects, yet the noisiest bunch in the entire school. (*Pssstt..most rebels come from our class ok..including the class monitor..)

I remember during our MGS Graduation Night, don't know who decided to nominate my name to walk up the stage for some catwalk in the running for Miss MGS. Aiyyooo..just because I look different for one night, someone decided to pull my leg, asked me to parade on stage..Luckily I'm not a spoil sport..hehe..I love this picture, all of us seem so happy, despite a mixture of classes, and the stage looked like it was going to tumble anytime soon. Surprisingly how we never look anxious about the upcoming SPM exams then.

The same social work. Such a big group, somemore it's rare lah..all of them were Form 5 kids..hehhe.

4Sc1, with our class teacher, Cikgu Asma. She used to teach us Sejarah..and you know how that works right? If she ever catch you falling asleep, she would walk to your seat, and pinch you..playfully but firm..

And one of the activities which keeps me sane in school..

Rangers. 12th Unit.
I am still keeping the Green Guides Shirt with the mufti and all the equipments. To remind me that we used to march our hearts out, even under the drizzle. And how the seniors would "torture" us with yellings. And how I always go to school, even during the holidays, to get ready for camps and gatherings. I miss marchings! And the signature hunts when I was the senior. So when the juniors came, I asked them to do silly stunts..but not many approached me lah..maybe because of the lansi face I have..

Before my time, there was no fixed place for Guides. Until my time, there's Rangers' Den, bigger room than St.John's, but act like a storeroom for us. There were plans to make it comfy but there was no time to fix things. It was left halfway, even when we seniors left. A picture of me, and the juniors, with trophies..Damn bangga horr..

Don't know why and how we took a picture of the toilet building. This was taken way back when YeeTin was still around..and I still had my braces on..Damn heppi lah we guys..but now, can't take pictures at the school toilet already lor..because there's a CCTV installed..so..abit weird right??

and paling bestnyeerr..

Dena's English Tuition class. This was taken during the farewell party before it ended. Now I see faces, so familiar..There's JoonKit, whom I have not seen ever since I went to UTP, Vern Han, Denny, MingNyet, Han Jiet..I've bumped into JongSheng and Chee Weng, but not more than twice.

Ohmigosh, we look so thin those days..Me and MeiLing. Pn.Lee's farewell I presume.
Meiling's one of those people whom I first knew back in Standard 1. Alot of memories okay.., including the running away from home when we were only SEVEN..No kidding..

and the last photo for this entry..

Happy faces, the prefects especially. All kaki main lah!

Someone told me something today.

The thing is, I don't care.

I'm more interested in packing my bags, like I'm leaving Ipoh for eternity. :D
I know she's prepared something for me, but let's not break the bubble, shall we?

*pssstt..I'll pretend to be surprised ge lah...XP * 

editor's note: Ok lah, I don't know what's installed for me lah..saja lah..but I have my fingers crossed that she did lah..horrrrr....

p/s: I WANT SS2 LOK LOK..DON'T CARE! I WANT SS2's only!

I've finally arrived. 
I'm so happy that anything else doesn't matter. :D
 

Our first dinner together, was in OUG's pasar malam. She had the toasted chicken floss sandwich to munch on, whilst I had my long-craved Assam Laksa and a toasted chicken floss+dried meat. I know it might not sound like the most romantic dinner that one should be having with her girlfriend after not meeting for almost a week, but somehow, knowing that I have her right beside me, was sufficient. 
The reason why we were in OUG's pasar malam, was because we were supposed to meet up with the Lollies. Quoted from Viv, in this Chinese proverb, there's this saying, that 3 days not meeting is equivalent to 3 years. Technically, we've not met for 6 years now. Hehhe! We didn't get to spend much time talking because Viv and Yenny arrived later, and Sam has got an interview the next day. An hour plus later, the crowd dispersed along with the closing of the pasar malam. Both Joanne and I, were bloated with the amount of food we put inside us last night. Probably happy to see one another? I know I've gained EXTRA weight, just of the food last night. Mum's going to be super-duper disappointed when she sees me next week. I miss KL to a certain point, because of the late-night suppers, and last night, reminded me alot about my 'adventures' for the past 30 weeks in KL.

Looking forward to a dinner meet-up with them, before I leave. At one point, I kinda hoped that I didn't know any of them during my internship. Then it'd make leaving KL much easier. I knew something like this, was going to happen, especially for someone who's so attached to people. But, when rationality kicks in, you know you've gotta get back to the University, finish the goddamn degree, and come out work, in an entirely different field. I was just giving my future some thoughts the other day, and to see myself working as an engineer upon graduation, can be scary. It's like a long term slavery to your work, especially when I'm someone who doesn't know what she's doing, most of the time. I listened to Mel's story about social work, and I kinda like the fact that her work varies from time to time. And how much I dislike routine work. But to convince my parents that social work can be soul-satisfying, is pretty difficult. Especially when you have parents who think that Engineers, Lawyers, Doctors are high-paying,secured jobs. 

Dad called, asking me to follow him home tonight. Like deng, I just arrived. 

I am growing older. 

We slept around 6 in the morning last night, thinking that we would wake up around noon. But as soon as I opened my eyes, it was only 10 am. I think I can't sleep that much anymore..Sigh. As soon as I woke up, looked at her; the way she had her eyes closed tight. Out of a sudden, she opened her eyes and looked at me. Then she closed her eyes. Maybe to verify that I'm just beside her. And she opened them again. So cute. So ccuuutteeeeee...

Hopefully we get to spend more time together. 2 days left, and the time passed by very fast.  

It's already Sunday. 
Mum called me early this morning, asked me when would I be going home?
So frustrating. 
Because the next time I'm coming, would be urm..unpredictable..
Sigh..
Gonna miss this place. 


 

Sunday evening, still yet to know the way to get to either KL Sentral or Pudu Bus Station. Since Joanne would be working early in the morning, and there's no public transport where she's living. Frustrating to think of a way to go to places, and I don't want to trouble her mum who has to wake up early. Everything's wrong today. One last day spent together, yet so many things to think about. Sometimes, really no mood to think about other issues, just wanna fuck everything up. Came here, think about my Report, think about the opening Sem, think about money, think about the limited time. And the parents..the parents been asking me about my whereabouts. Feels so..arrrgghhhh!!!!!!
Feels like just switching off the phone, and throw the phone into the sea!! Don't like what I hear, don't like what I see. Why today, seems so frustrating one..Fuck it man! Like really fuck it.
 

I'm still here. In another state. 

Curious? Surprised? Shocked? Or predicted?

Whatever emotions you have now, I'm having them too. Why?
The unfinished final report, sitting, waiting for me at home. Why is it not completed yet? How long does it take to bind it? Why was I procrastinating? Why was I lazy, at home? Why complaining now?
I feel like a kiasu now, since most of them have already binded their reports, with their CDs, sitting nicely, waiting to be handed in. Gosh.

So when will I be heading home?

I have no idea, since my wallet has followed this other person to work, whilst she took the house keys as well. Thus, I'm imprisoned here, on the 13th Floor. Feels like Rapunzel, only that I don't have a long hair. I'm not saying I don't enjoy being here, but the intense amount of pressure and workload waiting for me, made my heart race, for no reason. Benci betul the guilt..
So, what did I do, upon arriving KL? Besides hugging her tightly, cat-fight a little, teasings, then to more huggings.., we had a surprise plan for Chris's 28th birthday. 

Chloe and Chris were watching Transformers in the Gardens, until 2.35am, while the rest would be secretly heading to the Garden's car park, to get the cake ready and chill before they come and spot us. *Thanks to Viv who was incharged of getting the cake!* 

We waited for about 30 minutes, when they came, and the surprised was spoilt. Why? Because Chris spotted me. Ish betul lah..I'm putting on meat, and the luas permukaan bertambah already..mana boleh itu macam..
Anyway, it was a small, simple celebration..A sing-song session, and candle blowing..Lotsa camwhoring..

That's JASH, Sam's friend. Newest addition in the group.
Now we have even numbers! And we can start planning the get-together already lorrrr...
*Sam, this is not a hint..*wink!**

I saw this picture, I look like a small kid..gosh..

After the cake-cutting, 4 cars headed to SS2 at 3am. Balitong. Indomie.
By the time I reached home, was already 5.30 am. Can't sleep because of the jai-ness.. 

For the past few days, it felt like I've never left KL before.

2 scoops of Haegendazz while waiting to be picked up.

3-layered tea at Rajah Brooke's Cafe.

Mango Pudding @ My Honeymoon desserts

Durian Pancake @ My Honeymoon desserts

- How it looks like from the inside


and her look after taking a bite.

For someone who loathes the pungent smell of the fruit, it amazed me why she took a bite when I asked her to.

Mango Cream with Sago and Pamelo @ My Honeymoon desserts

Mango Glutinuous Rice @ My Honeymoon desserts


I ate more than that, only managed to snap a few pictures of such. Just realized that it's been a long time since I last posted pictures of food here.

A wonderful trip, I would say.

I think the most important element in a relationship would be trust.
There was one time, I got all paranoid because the ex often goes out with gawd knows who, and so I acted up, being all OVER-protective which eventually drove her away. I thought that was just me, being over-jealous for no reason, and as the years gone by, I realized that what we lacked of, was trust. I learned a lot though, from the multiple relationships I engaged myself in. And doing a sorta LDR now, reminds me the more I should be trusting my partner.

So, there. A little sentimental note. To you. To myself.

A happier note, I FINALLY COMPLETED MY FINAL REPORT.
The downside is, it takes RM48.00 to be printed and binded, and it takes more than a week to be collected.
Like wtf.

I blame my procrastination self for all this unnecessary cost.

I'm so B-R-O-K-E.

p/s: Maybe I should ask Dad for help. Or maybe not.

Some serious thinking was done.
There were tears.
Could this be the end?

Sat here, and thought about what's best for me.
What am I good at?

Interesting entry title. The number, I mean. "two-two-one-one" which reads twenty two,eleven. Yesh, I know you guys can read, just that there's this fuzzy-wuzzy mode in my brains at the moment. I think it's because of the long duration of sleep I just had, in the afternoon.

Something's wrong with my body system lately. Like how I feel all hungry in the mornings, after breakfast. Yesh, after breakfast. And those breakfast is not the kind, with 2 slice of bread and a piece of butter in between. These breakfast are heavy solid food, like wantan mee, or pan mee, or sometimes, curry mee. Yeah, you get my flow, don't you? And for a few days now, my hands started shaking like I'm an addict of sort, and the legs go all wobbly. At first I thought maybe it was the hunger pangs, so I ate all 3 meals, religiously. Then for 2 days now, I had this cravings for sugar. With the hands shaking, I thought coz I was hungry, so I had a heavy lunch, yet after lunch, the hands were still shaking. So I dug out the grapes that mum bought, and finished the entire bunch. Only then, the hands shaking stopped for a minute, then it came back.

It's so frustrating, because I don't know what's wrong. And I can't tell the parents because they'd make a big hoo-hah, the last time I told them about the irregular heart beatings, they wanted me to check this, check that. I'm just afraid that I'm diabetic. If I am, then it's end of the journey for me. I don't want to stick a needle into myself, EVERYDAY; I've seen my grandpa doing that ever since I was kid.

This afternoon, I crawled under the duvet, and tried to have some sleep. The hand shakings stopped, or was it because I fell asleep that I didn't realize it was still shaking? I don't know.
 

Road bumps are there for a reason. To slow down the fast pace.

Relationship bumps are also there for a reason. To remind you how much someone means to you.

== I know I've gained meat. Sorry I don't do photoshops.

Photo taken in her room before we had to rush to My Elephant for Thai Dinner. Ignore the mess "we" made.

We had a minor argument last night. I guess it's normal, with my temper. But I've toned down alot, let me assure you. If it were to be me, the last time, I would've said, "Screw it, you can just scoot off.." But no, not this time. Even though I wouldn't say it was entirely my mistake, yet I'm willing to talk things out with her. Well, that's what relationships are about, after all, right? Lotsa tolerance, and discussions, no?
Just hope that the silent spell would go off quickly, because it sucks not to hear her voice over the phone. And how sucky it is, for such things to happen. You know what they say about miscommunication during long distances, things are meant to turn sour if you don't maintain them.

*Dear, let's start afresh, shall we?*

So, this morning, I headed back to Bandar Seri Iskandar, to "check-in". Upon arrival to the main gate, I was greeted by the blue-collared uniform Pak Guard, with a smile, of course. Asked me a few questions, and he passed me a yellow-coloured form to be filled, and directed me to the University's clinic. I glanced through the form, and sure enough, as told by TeeHooi, all students are supposed to go through a H1N1 check before registering. The procedure in the clinic was breezy, probably due to the fact that it was early (9.30am) and no one was there yet. The medical officer took my temperature, with this device (which I suspected has been used a gazzillion times before me, seeing the way he tried to 'clean' the device with a cafe tissue paper). I bet there would be a lot of germs on it, somehow.
He took my temperature and certified me, H1N1-free. I headed back to the V5 office, only to be given the look, "Why are you SO early?". The attending officer pointed to the notice hanging, stated that registration begins only at 10am. The watch shows 15 minutes till the time. I shot her a look, signalling that why not 15-minutes earlier? But she kept pointing to the notice, and I got the message. She was lazy to start the computer. I scowled as I walked away.

A quick call to TeeHooi and ChongKian, for a short breakfast in Tronoh's market. I couldn't contact SheaTeng though. The 3 of us headed to the long-missed cheap food haven, and had a short catch-up session. Chong Kian never changed, and he did make a note that it's been almost 1 year that we've not seen each other. He was right. He left for Internship 8 months before I did, and I left for Internship 8 months after he was done. That's 16 months,almost a year. Nothing's changed, we are all as chatty as before. Looking forward to more dinners and lunches, eh?

I went back to the office to register myself, and true enough, I got my room in Block V5K. Not the same house, but 3rd floor, which is not as bad as the previous sems. Thank goodness TeeHooi was kind enough to lend her her kain buruk and broom to ease the room-cleaning. We managed to wake SheaTeng up, since she's now in Room 3 of my house, yet to shift. We chatted for a while, brief catching up, before I continued with my room-cleaning. I wouldn't say that now it's spotless, but it's better than my place in Vista Komenwel, Bukit Jalil. Sometimes, I'm grateful for UTP's facilities.

Looking forward to a brand new semester. Final Year, First Semester, what awaits me?

I'm back to UTP.
During my bus ride, I noticed that the further away I got from the city, the more stars were visible in the sky. I wished she was with me, so that we can both admire the stars, together.
It's going to be difficult, especially with the stupid koneksi here..SLow coach would be an understatement.
I'm relying on maxis Broadband to go online, at the moment. That's also using HSDPA. They can't detect 3G here. Like deng!!

First day being back in the campus. Like how it felt, during my first day here. Everything seems new to me.
Reality hits us hard when the first thing which was mentioned this morning, was FYP titles. FYP means Final Year Project. Means we are already in our Final Years.

Attended the first class today, on Ocean and Coastal Engineering. Looks good from the beginning.

Major headache throughout the day. I felt lethargic the whole day. Slept for about 3 hours, even missed the appointment with the lecturer, yet still feels tired, even now.

First day, it felt like weeks has passed.

Something feels amiss.
One day here, felt slightly different. Bored? I don't know.
Haven't met the whole batch of July '05 yet. Perhaps it's only Day 1. I didn't even get to see the whole batch of Civilians; some must have missed class.
Luckily, TeeHooi and Harpreet were there to accompany me for Dinner. Or else, it would be me alone. The hostility, it feels familiar.
Hasnul asked me out for mamak, at 11pm last night. Hasnul who? Hasnul, one of the Cheme guys, who was in my previous ETP group. Group 73. I told him I had to take a nap, text me if it's on. He did text, at 11.30pm. I did wake up, but I felt lazy to do anything. So I told him I wasn't feeling well, maybe some other time.
Now here I am, complaining about being bored.
I don't know why, these days, I don't feel like doing anything. Prefer loafing around, not doing anything. Slept a lot, yet the body feels tired and weak. And I get hit by hunger pangs way too easily these days.
Sometimes I feel like hiding in my room, but there's no food. And there's no human presence. It feels "cold" in here.

Quoted from a friend's tagline: 'Our generation is a bunch of whiners' or something like that.

True, I may say. Whining, we can't help it. I can't help it. Whining is probably one of the ways to get rid of the problem, temporarily. To express what surpresses us, inside. What's more, I do it constantly in my blog.
Deal with it.

I was supposed to wake up at 9.30a.m., but I was jolted up, but the sudden brightness through the window. I have backpain, maybe that's a sign my period is about to come. I have yet to see my FYP SV, whom I had no idea who's it supposed to be. And the FYP titles, I have no time to see them yet.
Okay, maybe not no time, just lazy to walk all the way there to check them.

Should I do something glamorous, for FYP, which might earn myself a booth place in EDX? Or should I do something sweet and simple (nothing's simple for FYP!) which might earn be an easy-peasy Final Year?

Sometimes, decisions are difficult to make.

I'm turning into a lazy bum, a constant-tired lazy bum. And a constant-hungry one!

The only light I see, among all these, is her. Happy 2nd Month, dear.

I've finalized my FYP topic.
Something easy, or so I was told, by my Supervisor.

"Analysis of Capacity and Level of Service of Bus Station in Ipoh"

Sounds simple? In fact, when the rest asked me what was I planning to do, the simple answer would be, "Count busses lorrr.."
Maybe, compared to the rest whom had big jargons for Engineering, as their FYP titles, mine's just some peanut beside the elephant.
However, that doesn't mean I know what my title is about, and am looking forward to hearing from my Supervisor soon.

*Time to dig out the Transportation Engineering textbook!*

So, Joanne's not feeling well at the moment. And I can't be there. She refused to see the doctor, and I feel helpless. I can't be there, and such issues can't be avoided in a LDR. I hope she gets well soon, I don't know what to do, to make her feel better. Just hope the sickness will be over ASAP.

*Get well soon! Muacks..*
 

On the phone until late, with Joanne.

Reunion dinner with the Civilians in Kg. Bali. Nice catching up with them, after awhile.
Reunion mamak with the EE gang in Farouk & Sithick. Nice catching up with them as well.

Waiting for other plans to unfold.

== I'm stuck in the middle. A heavy baggage in the heart.

Bad omen this semester.
I can't find my pendrive, anywhere. Why am I so anxious about its whereabouts?
Because my final report is still in there!!!! And I haven't burn it into the CD.
And guess what, my cd player is spoilt. I am so fucked up.

I'm in misery.

One can never expect relationships to be smooth-sailing all the time.

I just don't know why there's constant arguments, no matter how much we try to prevent them. Can love, be everything?

Remember this, dear?
After our first argument, I "stole" some time from work to hand-make a card for her.
Since there's a distance barrier between both of us, I can only paste a google image of Elmo here, so that when she reads this, she'll no longer feel frustrated inside. I hope there'll be no other major arguments between the two of us, anymore.

I love you.

Thursday.
The week is almost coming to an end. This semester's timetable seems pretty decent. Subjects are not too heavy, (or is it because the difficult part has yet to emerge..?)

I went for Design of Offshore Structures, one of my majoring subjects for this semester. Dr.Kurian John, is the lecturer for this subject, who explained about what this subject is mainly about. Well, from what we were told, this is more on design about platforms.

To which he asked the class, whether any of us know how platforms look like.

Then he asked us to take out a RM50 note, and look at it.

I found this.

I have never actually notice this, and it's cool! Hehhe, always use this note, but never come to realize this. :| *malunyeer*

Dinner with a few friends in Perhentian today. Such a long time ago, since we had Bantal Peluk.
After having Ais Kacang, I started coughing again.
Susahnya wanna bernafas now..

So tired now, want to sleep..

p/s: Period cramps!!! Double boo-hoo!
 

They were surprised with my sudden decision to head down to KL for the weekend.
Even more astonished to know that I'll only be down for less than 24 hours.
Why not longer?
Family dinner tonight. Meeting up with the friends tonight, before Mel flies off. I wished that there's a longer time for the weekends.  

First weekend. Most of the time spent on the road.
Managed to board the bus back to UTP, at 8.30pm, on a Saturday. I mean, WHO TRAVELS ON A SATURDAY? I should be partying! Nevermind that. *Mel, so sorry I couldn't make it that night!*
But that means, more time was spent in KL with her. Which eitherway was a win-win situation.
Reached UTP at 11.30pm; 30 minutes to Sunday. I came back, all hungry, and tired. Luckily Pinky told me that they have Popiah in their room, so after I showered, I headed to their block, and ate. Something to fill the tummy.

The next day, Sunday, I woke up around 6.30am, and drove down to Ipoh.
Was supposed to join them for family dinner, in Chemor the night before, but because I was stuck in KL, I couldn't make it. To make things up, for my parents, I drove down to join them for the whole day. Grandma cooked dinner, so it was a home-dinner. The Aunt and her family just got back from London, so the whole day was spent with the family, including the yumcha time. *Again, Mel, I'm so sorry I couldn't meet you before you fly off*

I'm really a bad time-planner. And now, here I am, in UTP.
20 minutes to the first class of the day. I'm feeling groggy, and am in a cranky mood. Lack of sleep, and the headache is killing me.
Don't always take, take, take, because I'm always giving.

It's the Monday blues, and I can feel it!!

p/s: The period, is killing me. Kill, kill, kill!!

pp/s: FUCK FYP, man.

Mum and Dad came all the way, to bring me out for dinner today.
Tanjung Tualang, almost a year since we last went there.
When I saw Dad's car pulled up near my block, I ran down immediately.
The excitement was exactly how it was, 4 years ago. When I first did my foundation, they would come by the university, to either bring me out for dinner, or just dropped the necessary grocerries for me.
Nothing much has changed since then. Dad's still driving the same old Pajero. However, both my old folks have grown some grey hair over the years. Needless to say the growth of wrinkles.

As Dad drove out slowly to the main gate, my mum said the very same words to me again, just like how she used to do so.

"I see alot of people jogging. Girl, you should put on your running shoes and join them!"
"See, your Uni provides good facilities for exercise. You should spend some time using these facilities.."
"I don't see any thin people around, you should start jogging!"

Well, anyone could see where this conversation would lead to. I remember the same words coming from her mouth, ever since they drove me to this Uni.

We had dinner; one of the best 'wine-steamed-prawns'. Very juicy, succulent prawns they were!
And the 'soy-sauce-steamed-crabs'. Very fresh indeed.
Yummmmmmm~

Dad send me back. The same words he said to me everytime he drives me.

"Study hard ah Girl. Don't waste time sleeping, watching movie.."
"Read more..don't spend unnecessarily.."

Everytime they dropped me, I feel a tinge of sadness that they had to leave. Even though I know I'd be seeing them over the weekend, yet you can't help but feel that you are going to miss them. Well, at least the feeling would stay until one of them decides to annoy me. *grins*

I wrote a long paragraph on the H1N1 reaction here in UTP, only to delete it. I've learned not to get myself into trouble with the authorities through my blog entries.

So yesterday, we (TeeHooi, Harpreet, Ariff, Huiching) went for a game of badminton since our class ended early. It has been a long time since I last played, so the exhiliration got me all hyped up.., and very tired at the end of the day. After the badminton game, all uf us went for jogging in the field, or rather I was walking halfway the route. I don't know why whenever I jogged, it causes a major headache as if the blood could not travel to the brain.

After the 2-hour exercise regime, we all went for dinner in Batu Gajah. KFC.
Well, not exactly the healthiest dinner meal after 2 hours worth of exercise.

Both HuiChing and I were determined to have durians as 'desserts' after dinner. Durians are not fattening right? Durians are fruits right? Fruits are healthy no?
The rest was determined not to join us for durians, nonetheless, we were determined.

As soon as the durians were opened,

needless to say, the temptations were too much...

When I was in KL, the only possible way to curb my craving, was to have durian pancakes. Especially since the smell is not everyone's liking. (Especially to her lah..XP )

That night, I turned in early. The whole body was aching, and everytime I move a muscle, it hurts. Well, proves one thing, it's been a LOOONGGGGGG time since I last exercised.

So if someone sayang me geh...he/she should accompany me for jogging during the weekends..

I've been having 2 bottles of 100 plus daily.
I think I'm dehydrated.
I need to stop drinking so much, or else I'd turn diabetic.

Rumours say that the university might be closing due to H1N1. For real?

Well, if it means leaving the campus, I'm alright if that happens.
If it means quarantined inside the campus, then it's jia lat..

Is the mask helpful, or a mere fashion statement?

Khian, Harpreet, Ariff


We were supposed to attend the International Business lecture, but due to clashes, we decided to skip it, and went straight to IRC. While walking there, we decided to just put on the masks, because of the significant number of students putting on their masks in the Academic Complex.
Difficult to breathe. I think the mask should come with an Oxygen tank.

I think I'm developing the flu-like symptom.
Flu, sorethroat, fatigue. Well, having my fingers crossed.

After class, we (the Civilians, and the EE-ians) went to Bota for Satay.
Very impromptu decision, and the Civilians were called along to lead the way.

The 13 of us ordered 240 sticks of Satay. Don't have to be a genius to guess which faculty ate the most.

I, alone, had 20 sticks.


After the Satay, the 8 of us went for mamak. I had another Roti Pisang.

Very good meal, I would say. The EE-ians said that we Civilians were rather quiet tonight. All I could say was if we were noisy, their voice would be overshadowed by our voices.

I know the number of people who comes in daily, to check out what I've written.
Yes, I know the numbers.
And I was not afraid to come out from the closet, because to be fair, it wasn't too difficult to notice that I'm slightly 'different' compared to the rest.

It's almost 2 in the morning, and I can't sleep. I know how lately, my blog has lost its substance.
The reason being, that it was unfair to write about my love affair, seeing that she's in the work force, and I don't want anything to jeopardize her career. I don't want to write about my study life, because I don't want to get into any unwanted trouble with the authorities. I don't write about the current issues. Hence, the silly entries, now and then.

I've bought my bus ticket to KL for tomorrow ever since Tuesday. Call me someone who's impatient, but I am definitely someone who likes to plan beforehand, in fear that the bus tickets would be sold off.
Ask around, most of them are surprised to find me constantly looking for people whom might be travelling back to KL during the weekends. Many knew the reason; to those who follow my blog closely. Some whom are still as clueless as ever, since I never bother explaining.

2 weeks since school has reopened; I've been travelling to and fro, every weekend.
If you ask me, I have to admit that as much as I hate wasting time in the 3-hour journey, I understand that some sacrifices has to be made to maintain a long-distance relationship.
When I first got myself tied to this LDR, it did strike me that things could get more difficult after I resume my life back in UTP.

*If most of you didn't already know, UTP is located in a small town = (Bandar Seri Iskandar) in Perak. About 300kms away from the KL city. Which is about 3 hours bus/train journey away.

We came to an agreement to meet one another every fortnight. Not too bad I would say, considering my heavy workload during my final year. And to juggle between heading home to Ipoh to spend time with my family, and to KL to spend time with her. One thing each week. That should be easy, no?
However, for the past 2 weeks, I headed down to KL anyway, since the workload has yet to come.

I know, LDRs are often predicted to fail. I kid you not, since my first relationship was a LDR too towards the end of the relationship, needless to say, it failed. Sometimes, the thought did strike me, that somehow, at the end of the day, one of us is going to get tired, and would want to quit. Who should be blamed then?

The 300kms apart, this is a variable which I failed to control. The consequences of starting a relationship during your internship, in a foreign city. Which is why I never complain about the long distance which I need to travel, weekly, or in weeks to come: fortnight-ly. What could be more rewarding after a week's brain-tormenting, than spending the weekend with someone special?

As of why I still have difficulty to sleep now, is because, as I'm packing my bags to leave UTP for the weekend, I received a devastating text from her.
Apparently, we have a communication breakdown.
Well, that's understandable eh? with the distance, the different status, the different environment. One can never expect things to be the way it was, when I was still working.

But why?

I won't deny that we have our fair share of arguments. Even barely being together for 2 months, we have our ugly sides as well, and that's something inevitable in relationships. Correct?
I know it's not right to runaway from the problem, since both of us know that the communication between both of us is breaking down. At the same time, having someone to tell you that she doesn't feel like talking to you anymore, is kinda demotivating as well.
It makes you wonder whether the effort and the amount of time poured to travel to and fro , is being appreciated  or otherwise.

I know I'm loved, and I hope she knows that she's loved too.
It just hurts to know that the relationship is suffering with the changes of surrounding and the distance.
What a pity, no?

I thought that after writing this entry, I would perhaps feel better and able to get some sleep before tomorrow's morning class. Unfortunately, no. It didn't help a single bit.

As for tomorrow's trip down to KL has been cancelled. I think she just needs some time on her own, without me.

Toss and turned. In the end, got up and showered. Spend 15 minutes under the cold water splash.

Have I under-performed?

I wonder if I shed tears last night. Wonder if it does mean anything.

UTP's on a lockdown. For 7 days.