November 24th, 2009

I stayed awake the whole night. Perhaps it was a good excuse to "de-rail" from my final, final paper. Must be the 'hypertension' I've been having lately, due to exams, due to external factors, I've been feeling off-track lately. As I'm typing this, I've just forced myself off the bed, taken a quick cold shower, and instead of mugging the last minute, I thought it was best to do some theraphy here before facing the paper later.
I think exams change a person's mood, emotion and attitude. I really do. Either you turn into a giant blob, which goes on sucking and sucking in what's written on the books, and you become oblivious to your surroundings, OR you become like me, uncertain of your emotions, what you've read, what was been done and all you want to do is just lock yourself in the room. You'd prefer the darkness. Isolation.
I remembered when I first got into this relationship, or rather for a couple of my past relationships, MeiLing & Mel would ask, "Are you sure this is what you want?" and obviously, at that point, it was only the starting of the race, and with excitement, I would always say "Yes!!". And then Meiling would do her signatory saying which goes like this: "Just make sure you treasure her." with a smile, of course.
I've came a long way now. From beautiful relationships which I've crushed with my own bare hands, and to not-so-beautiful relationships, which I've abandoned. And last night, was perhaps, the stupidest decision I've made. I know, there's no reason to utter anything mentally-abusive when you are in an argument, especially when you come to think of it, perhaps, at some point I overreacted. I admit that. I tend to get slightly over-posessive sometimes. It's something you have to take in about me, if you want to be with me. I tried not to bring this negative element everytime I start a new relationship. I suppress my emotions. Acting all cool about what or what not that was done, until at some point, the pressure has turned tooo intense.
At one point, I remembered someone telling me not to give my 100% when I start this new relationship, because if you give that much, and when it ends, you get twice the pain. Obviously, I was stupid enough to have ignored his advice.